Friday, June 25, 2010

Rob, it's That Thing You Do

Hey Rob-

I was so excited to see you at the Eclipse Premiere "Black" Carpet event in LA last night. There were SO MANY live streaming options to choose from, I'm sure I'll spend all weekend catching up on it all. It was fun to see everyone turn out for the event, all dressed up.

Like Nikki Reed:

Rob, was this a souvenir Nikki picked up from her field trip to the local chicken slaughter/processing house, you know the one next to the figure skating pavillion? Or maybe she just borrowed it from Bjork and had it modified?

All I know is that Ashley Greene had enough fabric on her dress to cover Nikki up, and I wish she had. I think it would have improved both of their looks greatly.

Even though Kristen's dress could have been fitted much better, she looked beautiful last night:

But Rob, her Louboutins (shoes, Rob) were way too big for such high heels! You better watch her at these events to make sure she doesn't break her neck. Yikes!

But wait. WTF??? I know it's nice to get comfortable after a carpet event, but why, why, why can't Kristen find something APPROPRIATELY comfortable to wear at these after parties? REALLY????

Since you are such a fashionista yourself, and always pick the most amazing premiere wait. I'm confused, Rob. They say that this was what you wore last night, but is this some old photo of you going to a costume party as one of The Wonders from the film "That Thing You Do"? Is the press playing a joke on us?

That would be these guys (now I have that song stuck in my head - good movie btw!):

I know, I know, it's a Gucci suit and you were trying to go for something different, but I'm not sure it worked. Of course you are still beautiful and adorable and nothing wrong with seeing what appears to be your dick swinging around in any pants you choose to wear, maroon or not (click for larger {oh, if only it were that easy!})

But colored suits They don't work on rappers, country singers, hip hoppers or NBA players, and they don't work on you.

It wasn't so bad when they gots shots of your upper body though

And because you are so beautiful, there were even some fuller-length shots of you that were very nice

The suit seemed to work better in still photos than it did with movement. It looked too small, and ill fitting. On the live feed, I LOL'd when I saw you - and said "only you, Rob, only you". But that's why I love ya Rob - because you're you. No matter what you wear, you make me smile.

Now go hire a new stylist.


Your Bitch

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

FINALLY - this fucking day has arrived

First things first. EVERYONE needs to get their virtual patooties over to The Teen Choice Awards site and vote for Remember Me and Rob - Best Drama and Best Actor/Drama categories. You have to register and pretend you are a teenager, or it won't accept your votes. Shouldn't be much of a stretch - I think most of us act 19 at most in Robville. Or am I insulting 19 year olds?

How awesome if Remember Me won and got the exposure it deserves, now that it COMES OUT ON DVD T.O.D.A.Y.???? Yes, today is THAT day!

Summit promoted Remember Me all wrong and the critics beat it up, swaying the public from seeing what Rob can do apart from Twilight. We can't let this travesty continue!

See what Summit and those evil critics did to Rob??

Fuck the critics! Fuck Summit! Lend your DVD to everyone you know and avenge this atrocity.

If you read my review of Remember Me which was ridiculously long, making up 2 parts you know I really, really, no kidding, LOVED Remember Me.

Besides New Moon, which I went to see twice as a favor to LQ, I have never, ever, never seen a film in a theater more than once. I rarely go to the movies any more as it is. I'm too cheap, I'm too poor and people at the theaters are too annoying. So the fact that I went to see Remember Me THREE TIMES was huge. HUGE! I was aching to see Rob again, once I saw this film the first time.

Achingly, hauntingly, beautiful

I admit in my desperation these long, lonely, Remember Me-free months, I've looked to the internets for solace - watching the same, grainy, illegal, bootleg copy recorded in some seedy Russion porn theater, where these 2 annoying women get up from their seats like 10 times, blocking the screen over and over. Servicing men with blow jobs in the bathroom for a ruble is more important than watching Rob? Really?

Well thank fucking whatever powers that be that all that will now be behind me. Because after work, I am running out to Target with my Remember Me coupon and putting myself out of my misery.

Tonight, I'll be feasting my eyes on this

and this

and, oh, yeah this

And listening to Rob doing commentary! Did you hear me??? Rob doing commentary!

What friggin time is it? Arrghhhhhhhhh! This work day can't end fast enough.

I'm coming Rob, I'm coming (TWSS).

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

The Robert Pattinson Movie Awards and a BONUS!

What do you mean I didn't win Biggest Bad Ass Star????

I’m not a big fan of MTV award shows in general (or any award shows anymore – they all kind of suck big hairy balls these days), so I DVR’d the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night so I could fast forward through most of it. But surprise, surprise, it was actually entertaining. I mean, it didn’t hurt that it was really the Twilight Movie Awards show – with most of the comedy and awards focused in that direction – and Rob in particular. But the skits were cute – Tom Cruise dancing, Stunt Kids anyone?? – and host Aziz Ansari was very watchable.

This is Tom Cruise reviving his career

Rob was especially hot and adorkable. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and Kristen. And this appearance seems to have swayed more fans to his side. On some entertainment site the following day I counted many comments that said in effect "I'm not a Twilight fan, but I now see what you all are saying. Rob is adorable!" Yeah, get to the back of the line, bitches. Rob has enough of us psychos after him already.

Can you BE any more adorable??? Stop it already!

I realized later that night that the DVR had cut off the end of the show (can they PLEASE fix this problem?!), when New Moon won Best Picture. So I went ahead and taped one of the 6 million re-broadcasts they did to catch the end. Work the next morning be damned, I just had to watch the end of the show and see the cast accept the award. Peter Facinelli was great - "fucking see, fucking Eclipse, on fucking June 30th" – but what came after was a very unexpected bonus.

The Hard Times of R.J. Berger? Whatever - just some stupid MTV show that is providing me a conduit to record more of Rob. But wait…what is this…this is some funny shit! I don’t know why I was drawn in to start watching it, when I was supposed to be getting ready for work, but drawn in I was! It’s a raunchy, predictable, high school underdog storyline (with a big dick) - but it works. Check out this show!

Rob gives it 2 popcorns AND a thumbs up!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

He's almost TOO beautiful

These were the words spoken by a straight male friend of mine. About Rob.

Yes, Rob, you are TOO beautiful!

A group of us were at brunch and my friend gave me The New Moon Movie Companion for my birthday gift, and I was flipping through looking for pictures of Rob to drool on. I stopped to show off a picture that was particularly orgasm inducing and my friend looked at it and said "Oh, is that the one you like? Wow, he's almost TOO beautiful." I so wish Rob had been there to hear that.

Rob is always saying that because Bella describes Edward from her perspective, it's impossible for anyone to live up to her description of him. Which is why he didn't even try to portray him as some perfect specimen.

But guess what Rob? Turns out you are exactly what you were trying not to portray. Too Perfect. Too Beautiful. Too Ironic, huh?

Guess what else? Edward really likes Mimosas.