Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Things I've discovered because of Robert Pattinson - Part 1

So.... Rob lost Entertainment Weekly's Sexiest Beast contest to Ian Somerhalderorrowor. You all failed him, but I'm moving on....I'm sure he is clueless and couldn't give a shit devastated.

NO ONE is a sexier beast than me!!!! Just not in this particular photo.

I have to admit, my world has expanded greatly since my obsession interest in Rob began. In some ways it has also withered - you don't see much of the world if you are glued to your computer watching Rob movies and videos or reading blogs and drooling over photos. Though it's kind of a sweet trade off...

Me, responding to my husband

I've come to discover many things I probably would never have known if not for Rob. Much of which I probably would have survived without. But there they now are, for better or worse, stored in my brain's hard drive, in need of a good purging.

Such as:

There are such things as "Fandoms"

I had no idea there were alternative universes that existed; people online that come together in their craziness to unite over their obsession. They create communities, gather together, develop new languages.

I'm not much of a joiner in real life, so I tend to take more of an observational position in this particular "fandom". I feel like Jane Goodall observing wildlife in their natural habitat. It's very fascinating!

Kinda' like this, but with personal computers ( I wonder if this is where the idea for Jersey Shore originated)

There is Fan Fiction

I barely acknowledge that fiction exists (I tend to read only non-fiction. I think Twilight was the first fiction I read in 10 years) so what a shocker to discover that fans actually write their own fiction based on other works of fiction. And lo and behold, the ones I've skimmed are pretty damn good!

I discovered this phenomenon while in search of an alternative to the infamous "fade to black" cockblock scene in Breaking Dawn. I think it was called Blood and Lust, and it certainly managed to satisfy. I read some of The Office, and then I went back to not reading fiction again.

But if I ever decide to, there's like 10 bazillion recommendation lists and 10 million sites devoted entirely to Twilight Fan Fiction. They have different categories with names like canons, with and without lemons, and I can't remember what else - that depict variations of characters and actors.

Who knew?

Fan Fiction is Porn for Women

Men have Internet Porn, women have Fan Fiction. Fact.

There are a lot of horny women out there. And they get hot and bothered from reading. Did Kinsey ever report on this? Did Masters and Johnson consider this when they did their studies? I don't think so.

Everyone assumes only men are perverts. But they have NOTHING on Fan Fiction readers. I guess Harlequin Novels might have been a giveaway, but this is on a whole other level.

The perfect marriage

Speaking of marriage...

A Single Actor can save THOUSANDS of marriages

I can't tell you how many women have proclaimed that Twilight, and Rob in particular, have reinvigorated their sex lives. Dorky, unassuming, self-deprecating Rob has turned into the world's greatest aphrodisiac.

That fact is the only reason husbands are putting up with this crap.

This is a man who is getting some. Or is trying to. Or is gay.

Oh, there's more...stay tuned.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Rob is losing!

To Ian Sommendalaeraler, or whatever the fuck his name is, from Vampire Diaries, in this Entertainment Weekly poll, Ultimate Sexy Beast, that's been narrowed down from like 3,000 nominees, or however many originally of which I have no clue.

We cannot let this happen!

"Um, hello? I am the fuckhottest, sexiest beast ever. So go vote for me, bitches!"

If you vote, I promise to post something other than Rob polls in the near future - I swear, I'm working on something. But when Andy Roddick is playing in a tournament that is actually being broadcast on TV, all bets are off.

But in the meantime, GO VOTE!!!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Whew! Glad all my hard work paid off...

As I'm sure you've all heard, Rob won Best Male Actor for Remember Me at last night's Teen Choice Awards.

Because of me.

Yes. It's true.

Don't believe me? You'll see tonight when they broadcast his acceptance speech.

"Thanks especially to my Bitch for your efforts. I will repay you with my tongue."

My secret weapon? I've been traveling the country giving out free Silly Bandz to every tween with computer access, bribing them to vote for Rob in that category.

No, not really. I don't have that kind of money, or that kind of time. But I bet I could get a whole lot of free dishwashing in exchange for this latest tween crack if I did. The coolest ones that just came out are solar powered - they go from white to purple as soon as you hit the sun. I could probably get my house cleaned in exchange for those.

Anyhoo... I'm gratified to know that I'm not the only one who is obsessively in love with Remember Me. I spent much of my weekend at the beach last week trying to get the house to watch it with me - to no avail. Bastards. I bet THEY didn't vote for Rob. But I'm sure glad a lot of other people did.

Congratulations Rob!

Glad I could win this one for you.