Monday, March 29, 2010

Wax Robert Pattinson resolves employment crisis

I thought wax museums were the coolest things when I was a kid (along with Ripley's Believe It or Not and The Guinness Book of World Records.) Anything sort of freak-showish definitely seemed to hold our interest when we were younger.

Certainly the highlight of my family trip to Niagara Falls was all the crazy wax museum exhibits (there were like 10 different wax museums!). People went over the falls? In a barrel? Cool! That's them in wax? Even better. There's the classic photo of my brother and I in a barrel which is a treasured souvenir. (If we had really been going over the falls, I would have SO pushed him out.) And I can still remember the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's - this shit stayed with me.

Beheaded historical figures. THAT'S creepy!

I hadn't thought about wax museums in years - until recently - when Madame Tussaud's decided to make Rob in wax.

Not quite as creepy

A lot of fans are unhappy with the wax replica. I admit it's not perfect - baggy under eyes, neck is too long, something is off with his mouth area - but I think it's a pretty good representation considering he didn't pose for them in person. Regardless, waxy Rob seems to be as popular as the real Rob, according to a PR person from Madame Tussaud's:

Robert Pattinson's waxwork at Madame Tussaud's has been proven extremely popular, a report claims.

STV says that the Twilight star, whose model was unveiled to fans last Thursday, has attracted thousands of fans to the museum.

The attraction's PR manager said: "I can confirm that [Pattinson] has been a huge hit this weekend since joining the A-list party at Madame Tussauds.

"More people bought a picture of him than The Queen and Barack Obama put together!"

I doubt The Queen EVER got this reception

Which got me thinking. Wax Rob is going to need a lot of assistance to maintain his freshness and safety. Madame Tussaud's should definitely create some new jobs to handle the popularity of their latest addition.

The Help Wanted Ads should read something like this:

Wax Rob Pattinson Security Guards

Ten seriously obsessed Robert Pattinson fans needed to fulfill this 24-hour position. Although the museum is closed from 9 p.m. - 10 a.m., round the clock security is required to thwart breakins and theft of the sculpture. Day or evening shifts available. Only 15-minute breaks will be permitted to ensure proper coverage at all times. Guards are not permitted to fondle the sculpture and will be dismissed if caught on security cameras.

Wax Rob Pattinson hair stylist

Maintenance of the sex hair is imperative to the success of this museum exhibit. Candidates must have at least 10 years licensed-styling experience, with a specific focus on hair gels and the effects of running hands through hair. This is a full-time, 7-days a week position, that requires stamina and arm strength. Museum visitors are permitted to touch the hair, so constant maintenance will be required. Applicants who have watched hours of Rob hair-porn videos are particularly desirable.

Wax Rob Pattinson bather

This person will be responsible for keeping the figure clean and sanitized. Fans will be touching and kissing the exhibit constantly, so the utmost care must be taken to swab down the exposed skin areas every 15 minutes. Candidates must not be adversely affected by rubbing alcohol. Applicants must have a gentle touch and have enough self-control to wipe exposed areas only. Home health aides may apply. This is a full-time position.

Wax Rob Pattinson personal stylist

A main appeal among fans of Robert Pattinson is his ever-changing wardrobe. In order to maintain long-term interest in this exhibit, wax Rob's outfits need to be updated frequently.

Candidates must be familiar with the following incarnations of Robert Pattinson:

Hobo Rob

Beanie Rob

Oscar Rob

Drunk Rob

Plaid Rob

Rome Rob




Vanity Fair Rob

GQ Rob

Please know your Robs, as you will be called upon to provide multiple clothing scenarios. We recognize that there could be some overlapping.

Wax Robert Pattinson clothes changer

This job will require a security clearance and sexual predator background check. Employee will be responsible for changing the figure's clothing in a respectful and dignified manner. Employee will not be permitted to perform simulated sex acts or inappropriate fondling. Naked Facebook photos of the exhibit will be cause for immediate dismissal. Candidates must not have any medical conditions that induce drooling. This is a part-time job, in order to limit temptations.

I don't know about you, but I'm planning to apply for all of them.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My take on Remember Me, Part 2

I have a confession to make. I wasn't really planning on making this a 2-part post, but I accidentally hit "Publish Post" and had no idea how to recall it. Oopsy. But considering how long the post was getting, it probably wasn't a bad outcome.


Part 2

- Tyler and his dad: At first I thought this needed some development, but having had some time to let it sink in, I think it was a subtle, yet effective, representation. You got the sense that Charles was using his work to avoid having to deal with the loss of his son and his marriage, and Tyler's hostility toward his dad was well established. I found the scenes with the two of them really charged and compelling.

- Ally and her dad: I initially felt this was a bit weak, but grew to appreciate a lot of the unspoken relationship dynamics they had.

The relationship I do wish they had developed much more was Tyler and his mom. She really did seem like a sidenote, and it was difficult to get a handle on how she had changed from her son's suicide; it was very clear how the rest of the family had been affected.

The ending and 9/11

Hauntingly beautiful shot of Tyler looking out the WTC window

I cannot begin to tell you how I wish could turn back time and see Remember Me without knowing the ending. (Fuck you very much, Matt Lauer.) I know myself, and there is no way I would have picked up on the foreshadowing leading to 9/11. I really missed the emotional impact of the unexpected, because I knew exactly what was coming.

Superman, can you turn the Earth back a few weeks? Thanks!

But I had no problem with the ending... at all. Initially I felt it was unnecessary to kill Tyler - hadn't he and his family been through enough? Didn't we already get the message that we should appreciate every day and everyone in our lives because life is fleeting?

And then, because this movie stays with you and makes you think, a lot, I realized that the screenwriter's intention was to show the details of someone lost that day and how random everything about it was. Nothing else would have been a tribute to random acts in quite the same way.

I do have my own 9/11 story. I happened to drive by the WTC on my way to visit family in Greenwich, Connecticut the day before the attacks. The moment I would have seen the towers to my right, a massive downpour occurred making it difficult to see and drive. The rain ended as quickly as it started but managed to obscure the moment I would have viewed the towers, for the last time before they were gone. I was supposed to be in Manhattan later that week. My cousin, who's mother I was with, called us while making her way across the Brooklyn bridge, letting us know she was alright. My husband had clients at the Pentagon at the time, near our home. I had no idea if he was there that day and had to wait to hear from him. Many in Greenwich were directly affected and I was surrounded by grief-stricken people.

But it wasn't my tragedy. I ached for the people directly affected - those killed in the buildings, the responders killed trying to assist, the families left behind, surviving co-workers and people living and working near the attacks. Yes "my" country was attacked, but unlike many in the US I always considered that a pretty certain inevitably (considering the terrorism and war much of the world experiences regularly) so I wasn't exactly shocked. My life didn't change that day.

To me, the "national" tragedy was our leaders' response to the attack. Scaring the public with constant "Code Red" warnings, using the attacks as an excuse to take out Saddam Hussein (creating a war that still rages today and killing/wounding/destroying more Americans than the attacks did), the resulting Muslim xenophobia, exploiting citizen fears in order to obtain a reelection, and on, and on.

I'm certainly upset about all that, but not about a movie that killed off the main character on 9/11. I thought it was a sensitively, tastefully-done tribute to the true victims that day. That the critics couldn't get that, and condemned the filmmakers for it in their reviews, just shows how patriotism and flag waving get in the way of moving on. Close to ten years later, that is something many apparently still need to do. Unless you were directly impacted, the ending of Remember Me should not have been so personalized or condemned, IMO.

In Conclusion

I am really saddened that this film will be viewed by so few people. My attempts to get some 20-something females to see it this past weekend were met with mockery. Twilight has really done a number on Rob's ability to present himself in a serious character study. I guess time will tell once it goes to DVD (which unfortunately appears will happen pretty quickly) whether more people will be curious enough to check it out. I'm eager to see how it does overseas, but the critics have certainly done their damage.

I joked previously that I was going to love this movie so much that I'd want a microchip of it implanted in my brain, so I can watch it on a loop in my head. Scarily enough, my prediction was right! I feel like I miss Tyler and want to see him again. I haven't gotten my copy of New Moon yet, but you can bet Remember Me will be in my hot little hands the second it goes on sale.

Until then, there is that $6 day at my local theater tomorrow...hmmmmmm

Is is possible to see Rob having angry, makeup, wall sex too many times? I.DON'T.THINK.SO

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Word vomit ahead! My take on Remember Me, Part 1


You know, I wasn't planning on writing anything about Remember Me, since I wasn't expecting anything more than lots of Rob eye candy (which there was!). But after seeing it 3 times (I have NEVER seen a film in a theater 3 FREAKIN TIMES!) I actually feel I have a lot I want to say. And how handy to have a blog to spew it all out on. I might as well let 'er rip!

(I'll break this post into 2 parts.)

Part 1

Summit Entertainment sucks

- Why the fuck did they take a movie meant to have an "R" rating and castrate it into "PG-13"? It could have had a lot more skin showing lots more EXPLICIT sex. Rob himself said they cut most of the sex out of the film! Rob...having sex...cut from the film. Are you fucking insane, Summit?

- Summit promoted RM like it was a "chick flick". I mean, they showed some of the dramatic elements in the trailer, but with uplifting music? They didn't highlight the brother/sister relationship in the trailer, which was only THE major relationship in the film. Yes, there was a romantic relationship, but much of the motivation behind Tyler's actions were based on his feelings for his sister. But would you know that from the trailer - no! So most people are assuming it's some Nicholas Sparksy romance, which it's not.

- Announcing that the first Eclipse trailer would premiere with Remember Me appeared to be a savvy move - entice Twilight fans to the film with the promise of the trailer. But then why the fuck did they release the Eclipse trailer online the day before RM opened? Are they sniffing glue over at Summit? And then after all that, the trailer sucked! Clearly Eclipse is not ready for primetime - we've heard about problems with editing and editors and it's pretty apparent based on the trailer, which was a snorefest.

So why did Summit fuck up so badly? Because they were banking on a "PG-13" film, marketed as a romance, starring Edward Cullen, attracting the Twilight demographic. FAIL!!! Tweens want their Edward Cullen one way and one way only - in Twilight. Remember Me is an ADULT film for an ADULT audience. Rob Pattinson has a lot of adult fans, but not enough to carry a film being marketed to tweens. He would have had LOTS MORE adult fans NOW if this film had been "R" rated, as intended, and marketed to the correct audience. Summit basically fucked Rob up the ass with this mismanagement fiasco.

Hmmm..I'm thinking there is a connection here

Even with no help from Summit, I'm still impressed by the numbers this film did get its opening weekend. Considering the genre, and the production budget, the weekend tally was pretty good for an indie film. And of course there is the element of the public that wants to hate Rob because of his sudden popularity or will forever assume he can only play a vampire or can't act. My hopes are that word of mouth about his performance will alter some of that prejudice. And I'm still hoping this is a sleeper that will grow legs... for Rob's sake.

Which brings me to...

I Loved Watching Rob in Remember Me

Rob, I couldn't take my eyes off of you

I've seen Rob in all of his movies, with the exception of Ring of the Nibelungs (ok, I tried to watch some of it, but Rob's voice was dubbed and it was just not watchable). And the only movie I really loved Rob in was Twilight. I really liked Bad Mother's Handbook as well, but dorky Rob is not an extremely hot Rob (although he had some moments in this). I prefer my Rob hot. All of his movies did make one thing clear though - Rob is willing to take risks to perfect his acting skills. And he has skills.

My love affair with Rob came about from a combo of Twilight and interviews. The Twilight saga is fun, but it's ROB I am obsessed with. So I cannot begin to explain the excitement I felt about Remember Me. This represented to me a vehicle to exploit the talent that was only touched upon slightly in Twilight. And missing for me in Harry Potter, New Moon, Little Ashes, How To Be and The Haunted Airman (hot, but young Rob). I was literally the only one at New Moon who squeeeeed when the Remember Me trailer came on (which probably was a pretty accurate indicator of the interest in RM among Twilight fans). I have never looked forward to a film this much - EVER.

And it did not disappoint.

From the moment they showed Rob out on his fire escape in his red shirt, becoming aware of the ringing phone, I was in heaven.

He was everything I could have hoped for in this movie and more. He looked beautiful. He embodied the character of Tyler. He made you care about him and made you believe he cared about others.

I Liked the Screenplay

I love intimate films that provide character studies. If I smile, cry and feel empathy, that proves to me it worked.


- Tyler and Aidan: I thought they had a believable friendship. Opposites, even in friendships, do attract. Aidan was the perfect foil for Tyler's quiet seriousness. I really enjoyed their interactions and dialogue. I laughed quite a bit.

- Tyler and Caroline: These characters were really the heart of the film. Rob played such a gentle, attentive and sweet older brother who was desperate to ensure his remaining sibling didn't face the same fate as their older sibling. In many ways, Tyler was the stereotypical middle child - playing the family peacemaker. Ruby Jerins was a wonderful Caroline.

- Tyler and Ally: I have a feeling this relationship had a lot more development - that ended up on the editing room floor. But overall I really liked them together. Ally seemed to be able to surprise Tyler a lot and her positive attitude gave Tyler hope and strength. Rob played Tyler so tender with Ally - when he held her hair while puking, touching her hair and face, etc. It came across that they needed each other.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Remember Me this...

I have some post ideas I had been planning to start doing this week, but I was too busy trying to avoid Remember Me spoilers. Seriously. And it resulted in a major fail.

I'm not absolutely, positively certain what the ending of the film will be, but I have a pretty good idea because of assholes leaking information. Starting with Matt Lauer. Douchebag just had to mention the year the story takes place in his interview with Rob on The Today Show?

Keep your mouth shut from now on, DOUCHEBAG!

Now I'm no rocket scientist, or even a water-powered-rocket scientist for that matter (remember those things when you were a kid? So cool!), but even I could figure out the ending with THAT information.

Now I need to buy one

In this time of insta-technology, it's pretty much impossible to avoid hearing about anything going on in the world. And if you are an Internet and pop-culture whore like me, it's virtually unavoidable. I probably should have gone on Internet and TV lockdown the last few weeks, but I would have needed methadone for the withdrawals. But I shouldn't have had to avoid Rob interviews - I was NOT expecting spoilers within those. That's really inexusable.

What I should have done

In the last few days, I also couldn't resist checking out Rotten Tomatoes to see how the critics were rating the film. Sadly, it is not faring well. Which makes me sad for Rob. And makes me want to smack some movie critics. And what's with the word "jejune" they keep using to describe Rob's movies? What ass did they pull THAT out of?

In any case, I am really, really, excited for Remember Me tonight. Because even if it sucks, it will mean seeing Rob playing a regular character. Actually, I'm excited because I get to SEE ROB period!! On the BIG SCREEN!!!

Even though I first became aware of Rob in Twilight, it was his interviews that got me into HIM. And the little teasers out there showing his musical abilities has left me salivating for more. So whatever movie he is in or whatever kind of music he makes, I'm all about The Rob. Critics be damned!

And after I see the movie tonight, I cannot wait to go back and read all the posts and reviews I've been trying to avoid all week. It's been torture! Thanks for nothing, you spoiler twats.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Rob - I quit!

Hey Rob-

Have I been hired as your publicist? It sure does seem that way. If so, consider this my termination notice - effective immediately. Because I'm FUCKING DONE!!

Why am I quitting? Because it's a thankless task trying to reason with dickheads on the internet.

I had considered starting a blog dedicated to you for a while, but the ensuing stupidity that broke out over your Details magazine shoot and article pushed me to finally do it. I was so annoyed by all the speculation being spewed about your feelings toward vaginas, questioning your sexuality and racial attitudes. And it gave me the idea for my blog name.

Mostly I've been defending you on Huffington Post, where the readers have no clue who you are, but draw all kinds of negative conclusions about you. For a while I would just try to calmly educate them about you and all your talents, but that just resulted in them redirecting their mocking to include me.

Last week after your appearance on The View, and the resurgence of the vagina allergy discussion on Huffington Post, I just started leaving this comment each time someone made a pathetic "gay" comment about you: "Wow. You stuck your dick up Rob Pattinson's ass?" Because if you haven't, you should just shut the fuck up!"

I can't understand why the moderators kept deleting my remark. I think it was appropriate.

I've had some time to reflect on the Huffington Post hostility the last few days and I've concluded HuffPost is doing it on purpose. They are trying to get traffic to their site and your name will produce that. Regular readers are so sick of seeing your name everywhere, that it immediately puts them in attack mode. You know, it's the "he's popular, we don't get it, we have no intention of determining why, so let's get the pitchforks."

And HuffPost feeds this mentality by posting the most misleading headlines and out-of-context quotes and content. Mix deliberate misinformation with ignorance and you get the mob-mentality going. I mean it's not like you have ever done anything else to make anyone think you're gay.

Oh, yeah. There is that.

But you also said this in an interview regarding Little Ashes:

“And here I am, with Javier [Beltr├ín], who plays Lorca, doing an extremely hard-core sex scene, where I have a nervous breakdown afterward. And because we’re both straight, what we were doing seemed kind of ridiculous.” (Now he’s sort of laughing.) “Trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn’t even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves.”” — Robert Pattinson, 2009 GQ (April Issue)

So now that I understand that your success will breed the desire of others to knock you down - facts be damned - I'm going to try to restrain myself from defending you online. Time and more great roles from you will shut these twats up. If not, you could always stick your dick in their mouths.


Your former publicist

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A Plethora of Pattinson!

With Rob, it seems to be either drought or deluge. And right now I'm drowning in Rob. What a way to go!

Rob must be one Happy Hobo now that the Remember Me promo tour is over. I bet he was never so relieved to get on a plane in his life. Whew. I'm exhausted from just watching him the last few days, so I can only imagine the insanity of BEING him.

I anticipate seeing a pap photo of him kissing the tarmac when he lands back in London. Or one of him humping Big Ben. Hmmmm, that would be a good name for a porn star. Or my next husband.

Rob? Is that you on the left?

Anyway, if anyone is looking for me, I'll be over at Robsessed trying to catch up on all of it. Robsessed is my primary Rob dealer. I don't know how the fuck they are able to post things so quickly and so frequently. Damn you Robsessed, you pushers!

Ok, I'm diving in. Throw in the life ring if you don't hear from me in a bit...

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I asked Rob about Bothered

So yesterday, Jimmy Fallon put out a Tweet saying:

So I Tweeted this question in reply:

"Ask Rob if your Bothered skits bother him"

And how shocked was I to see him actually use MY question in the skit with Rob, below! Because, you know, it's not possible that ANYONE else thought of it first, could they?

I'm so freakin' original!

(Hopefully there is an actual YouTube link to the Bothered skit below, but my work blocks YouTube, so I'm flying blind.)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Jimmy Fallon's female staff are HOT and bothered!

No one is immune...

Jimmy isn't the only one bothered by Rob

From Jimmy Fallon's show page:

Tonight's Guest: Robert Pattinson

Posted by Sara Schaefer March 1, 2010 12:30 PM

I'm not going to lie: every girl on staff today is dressed to the NINES. Hair curled, nails did, lots of perfume, wearing something other than our usual hooded sweatshirts and jeans. There's excitement in the air. Dare I say, LOVE is in the air? That's because there's a very special guest on the show tonight. ROBERT PATTINSON! THE Robert Pattinson. Robert "Is Bothered" Pattinson. Mr. Twilight himself. Robert "International man of vampire mystery" Pattinson. RPattz. Robert "Perfect Gentleman" Pattinson. Robert "Loves dogs and probably also children" Pattinson. Robert "Starring in the upcoming movie Remember Me" Pattinson. Mr. Sara Schaefer.

Sorry Taylor Lautner, we really really love you, but just for today, it's TEAM EDWARD UP IN THIS B*TCH!

My NYC date with Robert Pattinson

Hey Rob-

Did you see me in the crowd at the Today Show this morning?

Is that you, Bitch?

No? Geez, that's surprising.


Because I didn't go NYC like I planned.

I know Rob, you're devastated. Wait, or am I devastated? I'm so devastated I'm not truly sure.

I've been reading the Tweets of other lucky bitches who were smart enough to be in NYC today. And all I can wish is that I had been that smart. They got to see you, talk to you, SMELL you! Apparently you smell like fairies and unicorns. And I wouldn't know, because I am stupid.

You see, I was hoping that some "connections" were going to actually get me into the premiere and some of your other appearances. That I, Princess Bitch, wouldn't have to stand outside on lines in the cold like some commoner, hoping to get a moment's glance of you from 50 ft. - a crumb of acknowledgement tossed my way. No. I wanted it all, and now I have nothing. NOTHING!!!!

Serves me fucking right for being such a lazy, entitled bitch. I'm too old to deal with the cold and standing and walking - in addition to being a primadonna. Crushing on a man half my age must be what it feels like to have children in your 60's. Not a good idea.

Sigh, if only Remember Me had been released in April or May - you know, warmer months. I would have SO been there Rob.