Monday, March 29, 2010

Wax Robert Pattinson resolves employment crisis

I thought wax museums were the coolest things when I was a kid (along with Ripley's Believe It or Not and The Guinness Book of World Records.) Anything sort of freak-showish definitely seemed to hold our interest when we were younger.

Certainly the highlight of my family trip to Niagara Falls was all the crazy wax museum exhibits (there were like 10 different wax museums!). People went over the falls? In a barrel? Cool! That's them in wax? Even better. There's the classic photo of my brother and I in a barrel which is a treasured souvenir. (If we had really been going over the falls, I would have SO pushed him out.) And I can still remember the Chamber of Horrors at Madame Tussaud's - this shit stayed with me.

Beheaded historical figures. THAT'S creepy!

I hadn't thought about wax museums in years - until recently - when Madame Tussaud's decided to make Rob in wax.

Not quite as creepy

A lot of fans are unhappy with the wax replica. I admit it's not perfect - baggy under eyes, neck is too long, something is off with his mouth area - but I think it's a pretty good representation considering he didn't pose for them in person. Regardless, waxy Rob seems to be as popular as the real Rob, according to a PR person from Madame Tussaud's:

Robert Pattinson's waxwork at Madame Tussaud's has been proven extremely popular, a report claims.

STV says that the Twilight star, whose model was unveiled to fans last Thursday, has attracted thousands of fans to the museum.

The attraction's PR manager said: "I can confirm that [Pattinson] has been a huge hit this weekend since joining the A-list party at Madame Tussauds.

"More people bought a picture of him than The Queen and Barack Obama put together!"

I doubt The Queen EVER got this reception

Which got me thinking. Wax Rob is going to need a lot of assistance to maintain his freshness and safety. Madame Tussaud's should definitely create some new jobs to handle the popularity of their latest addition.

The Help Wanted Ads should read something like this:

Wax Rob Pattinson Security Guards

Ten seriously obsessed Robert Pattinson fans needed to fulfill this 24-hour position. Although the museum is closed from 9 p.m. - 10 a.m., round the clock security is required to thwart breakins and theft of the sculpture. Day or evening shifts available. Only 15-minute breaks will be permitted to ensure proper coverage at all times. Guards are not permitted to fondle the sculpture and will be dismissed if caught on security cameras.

Wax Rob Pattinson hair stylist

Maintenance of the sex hair is imperative to the success of this museum exhibit. Candidates must have at least 10 years licensed-styling experience, with a specific focus on hair gels and the effects of running hands through hair. This is a full-time, 7-days a week position, that requires stamina and arm strength. Museum visitors are permitted to touch the hair, so constant maintenance will be required. Applicants who have watched hours of Rob hair-porn videos are particularly desirable.

Wax Rob Pattinson bather

This person will be responsible for keeping the figure clean and sanitized. Fans will be touching and kissing the exhibit constantly, so the utmost care must be taken to swab down the exposed skin areas every 15 minutes. Candidates must not be adversely affected by rubbing alcohol. Applicants must have a gentle touch and have enough self-control to wipe exposed areas only. Home health aides may apply. This is a full-time position.

Wax Rob Pattinson personal stylist

A main appeal among fans of Robert Pattinson is his ever-changing wardrobe. In order to maintain long-term interest in this exhibit, wax Rob's outfits need to be updated frequently.

Candidates must be familiar with the following incarnations of Robert Pattinson:

Hobo Rob

Beanie Rob

Oscar Rob

Drunk Rob

Plaid Rob

Rome Rob




Vanity Fair Rob

GQ Rob

Please know your Robs, as you will be called upon to provide multiple clothing scenarios. We recognize that there could be some overlapping.

Wax Robert Pattinson clothes changer

This job will require a security clearance and sexual predator background check. Employee will be responsible for changing the figure's clothing in a respectful and dignified manner. Employee will not be permitted to perform simulated sex acts or inappropriate fondling. Naked Facebook photos of the exhibit will be cause for immediate dismissal. Candidates must not have any medical conditions that induce drooling. This is a part-time job, in order to limit temptations.

I don't know about you, but I'm planning to apply for all of them.


  1. i want a job. i'll take any and all of them tooooooo. especially the bather!!!

  2. me want a job tooo.... me luuuurrrvvvveeee rob!
    and about the allergy....*sneezing* sorry, i'm allergic to bullshit!