Monday, July 12, 2010

I love hammocks

I've always had a thing for hammocks. Probably because they represent the ultimate in recreational laziness. And sleeping. I am a sleeper.

My ex-bf and I took a trip to the Outer Banks, N.C. and fell in love with the hand-woven hammocks they manufacture down there.

Ahhhh, that's what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately we lived in a condo at the time, so we could only dream of having our own someday.

Eventually we moved into a house with a huge yard, with huge black walnut trees - 2 of them perfectly situated to hang a hammock. So when his birthday came around that first June, it was hammock time! (Not to be confused with Hammer Time, which popularized pants with a crotch that coincidently kind of look like a hammock.)

I swear I could swing in that crotch. Pillow included.

I can't tell you how many wonderful, lazy hours I spent in our hammock. When I wasn't dodging black walnuts falling around me like hand grenades.

In a setting kind of like this.

Which probably contributed to our eventual breakup. He was a do-do-do kind of guy, and I am someone who functions best directing my servants at the castle. After 7 years together and no marriage proposal I moved out - thinking THAT would produce a proposal. Um, nope.

What it did do was lead him to another woman. And after berating him about her at some point, he mentioned all the places they had sex in MY house. Including....the hammock.

And then, OMG, something horrible happened to them both! This bear killed and ate them and took over the hammock!

Just kidding, just kidding. It was a mountain lion.

Needless to say, that was a crushing blow - to my love of hammocks. Happily, though, he quickly got engaged to her and then broke it off just as quickly. Let's just say time has proven this guy is marriage phobic. It wasn't about me, or the hammock.

Eventually I climbed back into the hammock again, this time at this incredible lakeside resort outside of Asheville, N.C. called Highland Lake Inn (Hey, what is it with hammocks and North Carolina??) If you like a casual, lake and mountain setting, this is the place.

Highland Lake Inn. They give good hammock.

But clearly I need to get off the East Coast and place my ass in THIS hammock. Man, this looks nice!

After this Asheville trip, I was longing once again for my own hammock. But I was in yet another condo. Boo freakin' hoo. (At this point I wasn't missing the boyfriend as much as the hammock, and my huge freezer. Damn, I still miss that freezer...)

Time went on, and someone else really, really wanted to marry me. So I said yes to Mr. Bitch and found this at Crate and Barrel when I went to register for our wedding - thinking we could put it in our townhouse yard:

Yeah, um, nope. This fucker was huge! I swear it took up the entire yard and looked ridiculous. I was crushed.

Sooo.... I've been hammock free for a while. And haven't really given it much thought until


Holy Hammock Hotness!!!!

Now I want a hammock again. This hammock specifically. The one that comes with Rob in it already. GAH!!!! The ultimate hammock fantasy.

I'll even buy a house with a yard to make this dream come true...


  1. Thank you for the good laugh! I really needed it!

  2. I found you via a link over at Twitarded. I'm glad I dropped by. This post was great! Hammocks are cool but a hammock with Rob in it is sublime.

    "...just kidding. It was a mountain lion." LMAO!!!

  3. Aww, thanks franki! You just reminded me what I'd much rather be doing today...FML

  4. hilarious - I am about to start manufacturing my own hammocks and stumbled across this doing some "research." Would you be down with me using this story on our site once things are rolling? (credit given, of course!)

  5. I don't know Nick, do you really think it would help sales, or simply scare people away? LOL

    I know, you can have one model called The Pattinson Hammock "Swinging was never so hot" or something to that effect. It's late, I've got nothing..

    Anywho, you have my blessing! Just don't blame me if you lose customers.