The Longest Foreplay in History! Did Bel Ami satisfy?

I know we're in the middle of Cosmopolis madness, but in the US next weekend, Bel Ami will be debuting in some theaters. A very few theaters, unfortunately. So it seems like the appropriate time to share some thoughts.

Was Bel Ami worth the wait, anticipation and aggravation? Did it make my loins burn with the heat of a thousand suns?

Well, not entirely...

It might have something though to do with high expectations. It's a period piece (my favorite genre), with Rob as the lead, having sex with multiple women. So that's a shitload of expectations!

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

The Good

- The beauty that is Rob - the camera just loves the boy. And the costumes were gorgeous on him, or off him. Just perfect.

- The scene where he first tries to have sex with Clothilde and they are kissing on the bed and he is obsessed with ripping off her dress to get at her boobs. Hot!

- Rob doing a film in a British accent. (I have issues with that in general regarding the film {see below}, but having Rob speak in his native tongue was a real treat).


- Uma Thurman never looked so good. I've never found her attractive, but she looked soft and lovely in this film.

- Rob's got game! I wasn't sure he could pull off seducing multiple women, but he was convincing.

- Rob had chemistry with everyone. Compared to his chemistry with Reese Witherspoon in Water for Elephants, I bought into each woman - regardless of their age or type.

- Rob and Christina (Georges and Clothilde) were so sweet together. They seemed like a real couple.

- Kristin Scott Thomas was appropriately pathetic.

- Angry DuRob! Vein popping out of head? Oh yeah! Rob saying "All along I was the one getting fucked!" Double oh yeah!

- Rob in long johns.

- Rob fixing a woman's hair.

- Christina Ricci - she was amazing. Perfect mix of vulnerability and resignation about the situation.

- Passed out, drunk, beaten Rob. For some reason, very yummy.

The Bad

- The character development. It didn't work. I didn't really care about anyone.

- Rob's weird mouth movements. Very strange.

- Georges' flashback/dream/crying sequence when Charles Forestier died. Just didn't work.

- Leaving out the visit with Georges' parents from the book. The whole film felt very claustrophobic. We needed some scenes with them in the coutryside.

- Having everyone speaking in British accents in a film based in France. Was a little distracting.

- Uma Thurman over-acting.

- Not enough of Rob's thrusting ass. More of this with lights on, please!!!!

The Ugly

- Every man in the film except Rob. You know, I noticed that in Water for Elephants as well. Are other men really that ugly in comparison, or is it deliberate casting decisions?

- The prostitutes. Seriously, the one he was attracted to was not attractive! The makeup, the hair, the clothes. Very strange if that was an accurate depiction of how prostitutes looked at that time in France.

Back to some of the "good":

In general, I was expecting to dislike Georges DuRoy, but I didn't find him any more of a user than any of the other players. They all seemed to be self-serving social climbers.

I hope to be able to see this in the theater. Thanks to Verizon, I never did get to see it in HD... bastards.

The frustration that is Bel Ami

Bel Ami has always been a frustrating roller-coaster ride of a film. Trying to watch it Friday night was just more of that same exercise.

I happened to wake up at 3 a.m. Friday morning and suddenly remembered that Bel Ami should have been available at midnight on Fios. Nope, not there. When I got up again later that morning, there it was. Yippity, dippity, do. Plan was to rush home after work to watch it. Calling in sick was, unfortunately, not an option.

But plans change. I didn't want to deprive Mr. Bitch of watching his team on the large TV that night, and he said he wanted to watch Bel Ami with me - so the plan was to watch it after the game. Hey, I figured, I've waited 2 years, what's 2 more hours? HA! The game went into extra innings, and innings, and innings. Great. Fuck.

FINALLY, the game was over and although half asleep, I went to the VOD page to order it. Saw there was a choice for HD - hooray. Ordered it and the screen says LOADING. And then up pops "VOD ERROR - we cannot process your request at this time."

Are you fucking kidding me?

So I tried again and this time it only had the Standard Def (SD) option. So I chose that.

Same.fucking.error.message.

Suddenly I was wide awake, with FURY, determined now to see the film.

So I hit the Interwebs to find out what the hell that error message meant and followed all the instructions I found - unplugging the DVR, rebooting, waiting, waiting. No change.

So I call Verizon at 11 p.m. and the first thing I hear is the recording "We are experiencing a VOD issue". Again I thought, "seriously, is this really happening?" I got an agent on the phone (which I admit was surprising at that hour) and he confirmed that it was a system-wide issue that wouldn't be resolved until SATURDAY AFTERNOON.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I said to him "So what you are saying is that Robert Pattinson crashed your system." That got a laugh, but I was still without Bel Ami.

So I hit the Interwebs again to see where else I could watch it on my laptop. Now mind you, 2 days ago my laptop died. So it was a good damn thing I replaced it right away, or this wouldn't have been an option on Mr. Bitch's 10-year-old Dell. But, I didn't have the iTunes software installed on this laptop yet, so I had to do that first. I installed the software and then went to buy the film, and got all the way to "Put in password for billing" and it wouldn't take the password. It didn't say it was the wrong password, but it wouldn't leave that screen and let me make the purchase. So I reset my Apple password. Nothing. Reset it again. Still nothing.

Are you fucking kidding me?

So I went to the Interwebs again to find another option and saw Amazon. It wasn't the greatest connection quality (and I'm not sure why that was), but alas, I was able to watch Bel Ami at 1 a.m.

After 2 years, 1 day and 6 hours of frustration, I finally got to meet DuRob.

When I woke up late Saturday, there it was on Fios - they had corrected the problem. But it was in SD, not HD. And according to Verizon, there was no way to switch it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've spent much of the day watching Bel Ami, not in HD, over and over. Frustrated, as usual, when it comes to this film.

So, was it all worth it? The constant release date rumors, threats of never seeing it, the hurdles to watch it?

I'll tell you in my next post...

Reading Robmopolis

I've retitled this Robmopolis, because no way in hell would I have read it otherwise.

Never in a million years would I have picked up Cosmopolis and read it. Let's just say Don DeLillo (or David Cronenberg, for that matter) is not on my radar. Or anywhere near my radar. Or could find my radar with another radar. If it's not non-fiction, Gone With the Wind, or Twilight, chances are I haven't read it.



Yup, pretty much the only fiction I've ever read.


In fact, I didn't buy Cosmopolis at all. Mr. Bitch bought it for me after our stalking 10-year-anniversary trip to Toronto last June during Cosmopolis filming. It's been sitting on my coffee table ever since, under my Beloved, Well-Worn, Shutterfly-Created, Rob Coffee-Table Book.

Until a few weeks ago...

...when that fuck-crazy, 34-second Cosmopolis teaser trailer came out. You know, the one that changed Rob's career in 34 seconds? Seriously. People are fucking ridiculous. Here's Rob acting pretty close to how he did in Remember Me, throw in gratuitous violence, sex and David Cronenberg, and all of a sudden, Rob is legit. Idiots. Fickle, fickle, idiots.



OMG, Pattinson is a pansy-ass vampire the most awesome actor EVER!!!!!


So I'm watching the teaser trailer and of course I was like, "WTF, I've gotta read the book 'cause I have no clue what is going on." And let me tell you, the ONLY redeeming quality of this book is that I got to picture Rob as the protagonist. Ok, it did have some interesting commentary on society that stuck with me for a little bit. But man, Don DeLillo is not a pleasure to read. Being able to envision Rob, while being exposed to the story for the first time, was pretty cool though. Even more so than when I read Bel Ami, for some reason.

Now, I'm not sure what to recommend - read the book before seeing the film, or not? It seems that the film closely follows the book, so I don't think anyone needs to read it before seeing it in order to understand the plot. And there is absolutely NO risk that the book will be better than the film. None! So unless you want the vicarious thrill of imagining Rob now, as opposed to seeing him doing these things in the flesh (and some flesh there will be) later, I wouldn't bother with the book.

Flesh...

...and some more flesh.


You're welcome.

Well now, that's not something you see every day

That was the first thing I thought when I saw the photos of PaddleRob.

The second thing I thought was "Why the fuck did I pick THIS Sunday to take an internet break and how is it that work was sooooooo busy Monday I didn't get a chance to see these pictures until Tuesday?"

Some other thoughts that went through my head:

"Rob goes to the beach? I bet he's not wearing sunscreen."

"OMG, his hair grew in!" and "I like his beard better wet."

"Is he at the beach all alone? That doesn't seem safe."

"Um, those waves are pretty wimpy, but I'm still surprised he can stand up on the board."

"Holy crap, he truly almost lost his trunks a few times."

"There aren't sharks in Malibu, are there?"

"Rob looks hot running...

and running...

and running."

"Aww, Rob appreciates wildlife."

(All photos stolen from Robsessed)

Rob's head looks like....

...my closely trimmed va-jay-jay.

Now you know what my pubes look like.

No seriously. Exactly.the.same.

And that’s not a look I want to see on top of Rob’s head.

I admit I’m picky when it comes to guys' hair and clothes. And I definitely have preferences when it comes to Rob. One of my greatest pleasures in life is looking at him – and I’m not apologizing for that!

My husband I have to love no matter how crappy he looks; my fantasy boyfriend needs to keep up appearances, or it's over.

This is what I think happened with Rob’s hair:

Nick: Rob, you have to at least get the beard cleaned up and get a haircut for The People’s Choice Awards appearance.

Rob: Fine. It’s the fans’ fault I have to go to this piece of shit award show during my time off, so fuck ‘em. I’ll just shave the thing and I’m wearing whatever the fuck I pull off the floor. Then I’m only going to show up for 2 minutes, sit next to Betty White, accept the award, and leave.

This photo was snapped right after Betty told Rob "I would have fucked you after the show, but now I have nothing to grab on to."

Yup, that’s how it played out…

Unless he had let it grow so much, and hadn't combed it in so long, that all the tangled clumps had to be shaved off. A more likely scenario.

Oh, Rob....

Rob’s Hair:

Long-ish hair is fine – but not when it’s floppy, or greasy, or all over the place.

Yeah, um, no

Short hair is fine – but not so much when you can see the cranial landscape.

And people thought THIS was too short.

I’m sick of the ugly baseball hats.

No Rob, I will NOT obey until you stop wearing the baseball hats!

Amazingly starting to miss the beanie, although that got a little old as well.

The Beanie kind of grew on me - and I'm sure that wasn't the only thing growing on that sweaty thing...

The Grizzly Adams beard sucks. And hair on the neck, under the chin, grosses me out!!!

BAD beard/hat combo

GOOD beard/hat combo, bwhahahahahaha



Now THIS beard works (although the hair is pushing my limits)

This shot makes my trimmed va-jay-jay very happy!

Hate when the eyebrows are too overgrown – if you can braid them or they are starting to grow into the hairline, trim them.

I want to hold him down and manscape those things :>)


Rob's Clothes:

I don’t mind casual, but there are degrees of casual. Rob tends to go way too casual to some award shows and interviews (not Adam Sandler-casual, but too casual none the less).

This is what the schlub wears to a premiere. Enough said...

Sharing shirts with Tom Sturridge and Kristen aren’t cutting it.

I wonder if Tom and Rob compete for bad looks? I also wonder if they wash the shirts before swapping.

If the clothes aren’t crisp and clean and without tears, it’s never appropriate for an award show…period.

At least his People's Choice Award outfit was...dark?


Rob doesn’t give a shit – which irritates me and makes me chuckle at the same time. If I leave the clothing selection to Mr. Bitch, he will inevitably be changing before we leave the house – at least once. Rob and I would not get along.

I guess I'm not really Rob's Bitch after all - clearly he's mine.

And just to put my critique of Rob in perspective, I'll leave you with this photo of Tom Sturridge

Oops, I saw it again

There are 2 theaters within a few miles of my home and work that have "Super Tuesdays". Every Tuesday, movies all day cost $6! So the plan was that I'd get my Breaking Dawn fix in on a few Tuesdays, without "breaking" the bank. $#(^@&# didn't happen! Those 2 theaters were done with the film faster than I could grow a demon baby with vampire semen.

Is it sparkling?
WTF? Why is it that you blink and movies are gone from the theaters? Could it have something to do with the greedy bastards that want the DVD profits? All I know is it sucks - for the once or twice a year I give a shit.

Soooooo...before Breaking Dawn left the big screen entirely, I got my ass over to see it one last time - sucking it up and paying the $11.25 for the honor. That honor included half an hour of irritating commercials and promos. (Although it was interesting to recommit to my original feeling that Kate Winslet looks too old for Leo DiCaprio in Titanic - 3D re-release anyone?) If it wasn't for the desire to get a good seat, I would always show up late to miss the annoyance of neverending trailers. I kept muttering "Another one????? Get to Rob already!!!"

A lovely mother and son moment from Titanic.
I think I liked Breaking Dawn better the second time around. And there was one scene that was worth the price of the admission to see again: The Wedding Kiss.

Let's just say I'm a self-proclaimed Rob movie-kissing expert - and I haven't always been impressed. In fact, I've worried that Rob is not a good kisser (((HORRORS)). Sometimes you can just tell from watching whether a guy knows what he's doing...or not.

See, here Rob is just doing it all wrong (but what a fucking lucky Anna Kendrick, regardless).

Up until Eclipse, I wasn't convinced about Rob's kissing skills. But then those opening scenes in the meadow with Kristen caught my attention. Hmmmm, I thought, Rob looks to be getting better at this. Now don't get me wrong, the Twilight first-kiss-bed scene was hot, but that was more about the anticipation of them locking lips, not so much the technique. Clearly Rob has gotten better.

I'm surprised this open mouth got past Stephenie Meyer.

I mean how amazing was the wedding kiss? It went on forever! This angle, that angle, no guests, guests, open mouth, closed mouth....full minute(s) of hot!

Kiss her Rob... wait, they're still going, oh my, you go Rob! Holy shit!

In addition to enjoying that kiss once again, there were a few other things I took note of the second time around:

Rob's Bod

I was a little hard on Rob's body (hee hee) after the first viewing. He was in better shape than I initially thought, although I still didn't notice any significant abs displayed in any of the scenes. His biceps were looking fine. And of course his back is spectacular.

Yup, I take it all back. Jockey Boxer Brief Rob for the win!

Rob's Wardrobe

I liked that we got to see lots of his skin. Shorts, tanks, t-shirts - lots of tight t-shirts - and jeans. And he pulled off the island leisure wear. Loved the boxers he wore in bed, in the scene where Bella tries to seduce him with the negligee.

Rob, tank, biceps, blergghhh...

And considering the wardrobe, it's even more obvious that he should have been SPARKLING in the Brazilian sun! Fail!

Um, hello CGI dept? Did you fall off a waterfall? Get lost in the rain forest?

Isle Esme housekeeper

I'm pretty sure the housekeeper on Isle Esme also played the First Wife in Eclipse. Can anyone confirm that? Of course that would mean she came back from the dead after stupidly killing herself, instead of just drawing blood. But I swear it's the same actress!

This is one of the images that came up when I searched for "First Wife New Moon".


Taylor

I thought Taylor looked kind of hot with his scruff. The scene where he came to the wedding was particularly appealing.

Gotta give hot credit where hot credit is due.

Kristen

Kristen was really in great shape. She looked so much more mature and toned. And she managed to create actual tears in a few scenes! I just wished she cried less over Jacob - and showed more tears over Edward throughout the series. I'm not usually one to care about films living up to books, but Bella cried a whole lot in the books - in the films, not so much.

I didn't mind her fake wedding dress.

It does look nicer without the blood.

And the real dress wasn't quite as low in the back as I initially thought.

No butt crack showing, I think.

The Wolfpack

Hated them just as much the second time around.

I refuse to post a photo of any of them. It would be an insult to these actual wolves.

I can't recall anything else of significance. Maybe that's because it was revealed this week that the next movie we'll see Rob in will include (SPOILER) a full view of his thrusting ass, doing it doggy style, in period garments.


I anticipate Bel Ami will blot out this Little Ashes "period-piece" nudity - thankfully!

Happy New Year to us!!