Reading Robmopolis

I've retitled this Robmopolis, because no way in hell would I have read it otherwise.

Never in a million years would I have picked up Cosmopolis and read it. Let's just say Don DeLillo (or David Cronenberg, for that matter) is not on my radar. Or anywhere near my radar. Or could find my radar with another radar. If it's not non-fiction, Gone With the Wind, or Twilight, chances are I haven't read it.



Yup, pretty much the only fiction I've ever read.


In fact, I didn't buy Cosmopolis at all. Mr. Bitch bought it for me after our stalking 10-year-anniversary trip to Toronto last June during Cosmopolis filming. It's been sitting on my coffee table ever since, under my Beloved, Well-Worn, Shutterfly-Created, Rob Coffee-Table Book.

Until a few weeks ago...

...when that fuck-crazy, 34-second Cosmopolis teaser trailer came out. You know, the one that changed Rob's career in 34 seconds? Seriously. People are fucking ridiculous. Here's Rob acting pretty close to how he did in Remember Me, throw in gratuitous violence, sex and David Cronenberg, and all of a sudden, Rob is legit. Idiots. Fickle, fickle, idiots.



OMG, Pattinson is a pansy-ass vampire the most awesome actor EVER!!!!!


So I'm watching the teaser trailer and of course I was like, "WTF, I've gotta read the book 'cause I have no clue what is going on." And let me tell you, the ONLY redeeming quality of this book is that I got to picture Rob as the protagonist. Ok, it did have some interesting commentary on society that stuck with me for a little bit. But man, Don DeLillo is not a pleasure to read. Being able to envision Rob, while being exposed to the story for the first time, was pretty cool though. Even more so than when I read Bel Ami, for some reason.

Now, I'm not sure what to recommend - read the book before seeing the film, or not? It seems that the film closely follows the book, so I don't think anyone needs to read it before seeing it in order to understand the plot. And there is absolutely NO risk that the book will be better than the film. None! So unless you want the vicarious thrill of imagining Rob now, as opposed to seeing him doing these things in the flesh (and some flesh there will be) later, I wouldn't bother with the book.

Flesh...

...and some more flesh.


You're welcome.

The Robert Pattinson Movie Awards and a BONUS!

What do you mean I didn't win Biggest Bad Ass Star????


I’m not a big fan of MTV award shows in general (or any award shows anymore – they all kind of suck big hairy balls these days), so I DVR’d the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night so I could fast forward through most of it. But surprise, surprise, it was actually entertaining. I mean, it didn’t hurt that it was really the Twilight Movie Awards show – with most of the comedy and awards focused in that direction – and Rob in particular. But the skits were cute – Tom Cruise dancing, Stunt Kids anyone?? – and host Aziz Ansari was very watchable.

This is Tom Cruise reviving his career

Rob was especially hot and adorkable. He seemed to be enjoying himself, and Kristen. And this appearance seems to have swayed more fans to his side. On some entertainment site the following day I counted many comments that said in effect "I'm not a Twilight fan, but I now see what you all are saying. Rob is adorable!" Yeah, get to the back of the line, bitches. Rob has enough of us psychos after him already.

Can you BE any more adorable??? Stop it already!

I realized later that night that the DVR had cut off the end of the show (can they PLEASE fix this problem?!), when New Moon won Best Picture. So I went ahead and taped one of the 6 million re-broadcasts they did to catch the end. Work the next morning be damned, I just had to watch the end of the show and see the cast accept the award. Peter Facinelli was great - "fucking see, fucking Eclipse, on fucking June 30th" – but what came after was a very unexpected bonus.

The Hard Times of R.J. Berger? Whatever - just some stupid MTV show that is providing me a conduit to record more of Rob. But wait…what is this…this is some funny shit! I don’t know why I was drawn in to start watching it, when I was supposed to be getting ready for work, but drawn in I was! It’s a raunchy, predictable, high school underdog storyline (with a big dick) - but it works. Check out this show!



Rob gives it 2 popcorns AND a thumbs up!

Rob, your birth is something to celebrate

I know, I know, all of Rob Twidom will be doing a Rob birthday post today. It's like Christmas in May for Rob fans - Rob, Jesus, Rob, Jesus - same thing.

Everything in our world is BR and AR - Before Rob and After Rob. Forget the Christian calendar followed by most of civilization - we are now following the Rob Calendar, starting May 13, 1986. With his birth from here-on-in referred to as "The Holy Day".

So what the fuck. It's my first birthday celebration with Rob and I have this blog, so I'm going for it.

Rob, my birthday boy, my Messiah, in honor of your Holy Day, I will be partaking of the following activities:

- I will blow you out your candles for you. You seem to need a break from this activity.




- I will get my husband drunk and pretend he is Drunk Rob. Here you were last year on your 23rd birthday:

- Or I'll just get Mini-E drunk on Jello Shots:




- I will bake some Vegan Hot Pockets (Gotta love The Google. Someone - most likely a Rob Fan - created a recipe):

Vegan Hot Pockets

Ingredients (use vegan versions):

veggie pepperoni
soy cheese
Pillsbury crescent roll can

Directions:

Preheat oven 270 degrees.

Open your can of crescents and unroll the dough. When unrolling your dough, make sure your slices are big enough to put your ingredients inside and seal. Place your soy cheese on top (no specific amount of cheese) and shred your veggie pepperoni slices on top of the cheese.

Roll up the dough to where no food is showing or pushing out the sides. Taking a fork, press the fork tips at the edges of the dough to seal it up; place each of your pies on a pan and put into the oven for 9 minutes, (or when the bread starts turn a golden brown; or if the cheese begins to run out the sides).

Let cool. Enjoy!

Serves: 4

Preparation time: 5 minutes



- I will take a bite out of your ass a cake with your face on it:



- I'll throw a Twilight-themed party with your face on the plates, napkins and cups:



- Full Sized Edward (FSE) will stand in for you:



- And I'll invite Full Sized Obama over. We'll crank up the Karaoke machine and have a blast singing Bon Jovi tunes:




- And then FSE and I will snuggle together on the couch, and watch you on Oprah:




I hope your day is as wonderful as mine Rob!

I spent last night with Bobby Long

On Wednesday, due to some very strange events, right smack in the middle of a very strange week, I happened upon a web site for a local music venue and saw that Bobby Long was playing there THAT NIGHT. After looking at my calendar once or eight times, to make sure I was seeing the date correctly, I immediately called my Twi Friend in Crime, LQ, and was all like “OMG, one of Rob’s good friends, who co-wrote Let Me Sign in Twilight, is playing tonight nearby! He has a really similar style to Rob!” I gave her his name and told her to check him out online. She got all excited -“he really is like Rob! “Let’s go!”

So go we did. We went straight after work and had seats a few rows from the stage. Neither of us had a camera though - since we didn’t get to go home first. But when Bobby came out, he looked like this:



And this:




Except he was wearing an Ohio State t-shirt, really big eye glasses and his hair was obscuring most of his face, like a giant hair tongue. (And he had a unique way of playing with his hair tongue - flipping it back and forth from one side to the other.) But otherwise, he looked the same. And by same, I mean pretty.damn.hot.

Other women (which the audience overwhelmingly consisted of - SHOCKER) had some serious camera equipment going on. I’m not sure if they were hoping to catch him loosing his pants or something, but those flash bulbs did not stop.

I was immediately in awe of how similar he was to Rob - same body type, same clothing style, same accent, similar mannerisms, similar singing voice and guitar style, crazy healthy head of hair, scruffy facial hair, soft spoken and polite, self-effacing. I kept squinting, pretending it was Rob.

He was downing Blue Moons all night (we shared that in common - except I only had one) constantly delivered by someone said to be his girlfriend, and he was making fun of the orange in it. “Is this a beer or a fruit salad?”

Like Rob, he would laugh softly at himself and lick his lips a lot. I remarked that he had really, really nice teeth. And the lips weren’t bad either.

He told us this was his first gig back after being off for 3 weeks, taking some time off to iron out the details for his new recording contract. He said he preferred being on stage to meeting with lawyers. That this was the scariest and most beautiful time. He is planning to have an album out by the end of the summer.

He insulted all the over-45 people in the crowd when he told a story about “an old guy” and then mentioned that the guy was around 45. It was kind of bizarre that his audience had very few people his own age in it. I wondered if he thinks it’s bizarre…

He also announced he just moved to America, but wouldn’t say where. LQ yelled out “What city?” and he said “America”. Cute. But LQ had the last laugh. She ended up meeting his American girlfriend in the bathroom, where she mentioned living in NYC. We're guessing that’s where he moved to? LQ wondered when they when leaving town and if they would come over if she invited them to dinner. She's nice like that. I told her to go for it.

If we had a camera this would have been us after the show:




But we honestly wouldn’t have looked as good as these girls!


And if we had purchased a shirt, we would have gotten him to do this:





It was a work-night - and we got home late - so we chatted about the experience today:

(RB is me, Rob's Bitch - DOH!)

RB: Did you get a hold of Bobby and his girlfriend to invite them over for dinner tonight?
LQ: Ha ha!
She was sweet! I actually can't assume that she is his girlfriend, but his female companion was very nice
RB: I think someone in the audience said she was his girlfriend
LQ: Oh, well let's run with it then
I really think it would be nice to invite them to dinner
RB: Get them all liquored up and hope she passes out so we can have our way with him
LQ: You are bad!!
RB: I'd make him wear my Rob mask
LQ: AH-Ha
and speak a lot
tell you stories about fucking you in Wales
actually, don't print this, but he did not look very well endowed
RB: sorry, I'm printing that!
LQ: NO
RB: THere is lots of talk about how well endowed or not endowed Rob is
The general consensus is he's a grower, not a shower
LQ: OH, well, maybe that is Bobby's issue too
RB: I thought Bobby looked very nice in his tight jeans
LQ: I did not like his jeans
RB: what was wrong with his jeans?
LQ: He had stuff in his pockets that made his hips look wide and feminine and the seat was a little baggy
RB: How many Rum and Cokes did you have?
LQ: LOL
RB: I soooooo did not see any of that
LQ: Okay, well, I am glad you enjoyed is pants
I think he would have been a lot better with no pants
RB: Yes
yes
and yes
LQ: Okay, I have some opinions to share about his music
I think that his voice is beautiful and his playing was brilliant
However, while I am sure his lyrics were nice, I have never heard them before and in a live performance I did not really pick up on what he was saying.
RB: Are you sure you were listening? I think you said "He's so Adorable!" at least 50 times.
LQ: shut up
But mostly the issue I have with his music is that it ran on in a steady stream instead of having ups and downs. I don't know what that is called because I do not know anything about music
Yes, he is so adorable
RB: I totally agree with you
That he is adorable
j/k
well not kidding
but about his music
LQ: I was able to identify one cover tune. He sang it better than what I might hear on the radio. One of the other women in the audience shouted out that Muddy and some other artists could not have done better
RB: There were 3 songs that encompassed all that is great about a song: moving lyrics, a catchy section and stirring chords
That sounded legitimate, right?
I'm terrible with this crap too
It reminds me of the time I had to do a music review of a jazz band in college - pre internet. So I couldn't even look up fake shit to write. It was awful.
LQ: Yeah, I just know what I like. To me his songs felt to even.
or steady
RB: And too many of them sounded the same. It was hard to distinguish one from the other
LQ: Yes, I think so. But, did you understand many of the lyrics?
RB: I could understand the lyrics. SO much more than I can understand Rob when he sings
It made me wonder if I really would like to have Rob do an entire album. Would it be boring?
LQ: Oh, I LOVED his jokes and comments! I thought that made the whole performance much more fun and it felt like we were getting a connection with him. It loosened the audience up and made us laugh a lot. It felt like an experience.
RB: I could understand Bobby much better when he sang, than when he spoke
LQ: Yeah, his speaking was pretty mumbly, but others seemed to understand him
One thing that was missing for me was the feeling that I had been emotionally swept up in Bobby's songs. Normally I feel that in a live performance. While I think he is a very talented singer and musician, I think someone else should write his songs.
RB: Someone ELSE should write his songs? Oh, that's c.o.l.d!
Maybe he just needs collaborators
He's only been playing guitar for 7 years. I think he has lots of potential
I'll be really interested to hear him in a band situation. See what the other musicians might bring to the table
LQ: That would be GREAT!!
RB: It was so exciting when he added the harmonica!
LQ: Okay, well I can't say someone else should write his songs because I did not understand what he was saying. I guess he could write the lyrics if someone else wrote the music.
YES, I loved the harmonica!
and I am not a big harmonica fan.
RB: I'm looking forward to his album
and going to his release party
where Rob will be
and then I’ll get to make out with ROb
you can have Bobby
LQ: Yes, that is what will happen
RB: I have to say that a bit of the ROb mystique seems to have faded after seeing his friend so close up
it's like they are just “regular guys"
sweet and nice ones, but not some "other"
LQ: Yes, I can see that. I think he did feel very accessible. It is nice, though.
RB: That is a lot of their appeal
kind of unprecedented
which is why I hold on to the delusion that I'll be his luv-ah
LQ: This could all get worse...your obsession
RB: I don't know
any little element could tip it one way or the other
Rob himself says that if you meet him, you realize quickly that he ain't all that interesting or exciting which of course makes him more interesting and exciting
he should write a book for other men
LQ: I can see what you mean. Very strange mix
RB: Now, what if it was Taylor Lautner performing last night. Doing backflips and break dancing on stage
What would you have done?
LQ: Okay, well, you need to understand that while I think TL is very hot with his new body and he is adorable in a way, I am not attracted to him. I like Jacob, not Taylor
RB: Ok, we'll go with that

Word vomit ahead! My take on Remember Me, Part 1

************SPOILERS***************

You know, I wasn't planning on writing anything about Remember Me, since I wasn't expecting anything more than lots of Rob eye candy (which there was!). But after seeing it 3 times (I have NEVER seen a film in a theater 3 FREAKIN TIMES!) I actually feel I have a lot I want to say. And how handy to have a blog to spew it all out on. I might as well let 'er rip!

(I'll break this post into 2 parts.)

Part 1

Summit Entertainment sucks

- Why the fuck did they take a movie meant to have an "R" rating and castrate it into "PG-13"? It could have had a lot more skin showing lots more EXPLICIT sex. Rob himself said they cut most of the sex out of the film! Rob...having sex...cut from the film. Are you fucking insane, Summit?

- Summit promoted RM like it was a "chick flick". I mean, they showed some of the dramatic elements in the trailer, but with uplifting music? They didn't highlight the brother/sister relationship in the trailer, which was only THE major relationship in the film. Yes, there was a romantic relationship, but much of the motivation behind Tyler's actions were based on his feelings for his sister. But would you know that from the trailer - no! So most people are assuming it's some Nicholas Sparksy romance, which it's not.

- Announcing that the first Eclipse trailer would premiere with Remember Me appeared to be a savvy move - entice Twilight fans to the film with the promise of the trailer. But then why the fuck did they release the Eclipse trailer online the day before RM opened? Are they sniffing glue over at Summit? And then after all that, the trailer sucked! Clearly Eclipse is not ready for primetime - we've heard about problems with editing and editors and it's pretty apparent based on the trailer, which was a snorefest.

So why did Summit fuck up so badly? Because they were banking on a "PG-13" film, marketed as a romance, starring Edward Cullen, attracting the Twilight demographic. FAIL!!! Tweens want their Edward Cullen one way and one way only - in Twilight. Remember Me is an ADULT film for an ADULT audience. Rob Pattinson has a lot of adult fans, but not enough to carry a film being marketed to tweens. He would have had LOTS MORE adult fans NOW if this film had been "R" rated, as intended, and marketed to the correct audience. Summit basically fucked Rob up the ass with this mismanagement fiasco.

Hmmm..I'm thinking there is a connection here

Even with no help from Summit, I'm still impressed by the numbers this film did get its opening weekend. Considering the genre, and the production budget, the weekend tally was pretty good for an indie film. And of course there is the element of the public that wants to hate Rob because of his sudden popularity or will forever assume he can only play a vampire or can't act. My hopes are that word of mouth about his performance will alter some of that prejudice. And I'm still hoping this is a sleeper that will grow legs... for Rob's sake.

Which brings me to...

I Loved Watching Rob in Remember Me

Rob, I couldn't take my eyes off of you


I've seen Rob in all of his movies, with the exception of Ring of the Nibelungs (ok, I tried to watch some of it, but Rob's voice was dubbed and it was just not watchable). And the only movie I really loved Rob in was Twilight. I really liked Bad Mother's Handbook as well, but dorky Rob is not an extremely hot Rob (although he had some moments in this). I prefer my Rob hot. All of his movies did make one thing clear though - Rob is willing to take risks to perfect his acting skills. And he has skills.

My love affair with Rob came about from a combo of Twilight and interviews. The Twilight saga is fun, but it's ROB I am obsessed with. So I cannot begin to explain the excitement I felt about Remember Me. This represented to me a vehicle to exploit the talent that was only touched upon slightly in Twilight. And missing for me in Harry Potter, New Moon, Little Ashes, How To Be and The Haunted Airman (hot, but young Rob). I was literally the only one at New Moon who squeeeeed when the Remember Me trailer came on (which probably was a pretty accurate indicator of the interest in RM among Twilight fans). I have never looked forward to a film this much - EVER.

And it did not disappoint.

From the moment they showed Rob out on his fire escape in his red shirt, becoming aware of the ringing phone, I was in heaven.



He was everything I could have hoped for in this movie and more. He looked beautiful. He embodied the character of Tyler. He made you care about him and made you believe he cared about others.



I Liked the Screenplay

I love intimate films that provide character studies. If I smile, cry and feel empathy, that proves to me it worked.

Highlights:

- Tyler and Aidan: I thought they had a believable friendship. Opposites, even in friendships, do attract. Aidan was the perfect foil for Tyler's quiet seriousness. I really enjoyed their interactions and dialogue. I laughed quite a bit.

- Tyler and Caroline: These characters were really the heart of the film. Rob played such a gentle, attentive and sweet older brother who was desperate to ensure his remaining sibling didn't face the same fate as their older sibling. In many ways, Tyler was the stereotypical middle child - playing the family peacemaker. Ruby Jerins was a wonderful Caroline.

- Tyler and Ally: I have a feeling this relationship had a lot more development - that ended up on the editing room floor. But overall I really liked them together. Ally seemed to be able to surprise Tyler a lot and her positive attitude gave Tyler hope and strength. Rob played Tyler so tender with Ally - when he held her hair while puking, touching her hair and face, etc. It came across that they needed each other.

Why do I give a CRAPSTEN?

So The Sun, a UK tabloid that is basically known to be 99.9% fiction (like the National Enquirer used to be), is claiming they got a scoop from Rob himself at the BAFTAS Sunday that he is dating Kristen Stewart. (And there is a photo of them leaving together in a car.)

Now the Twi-ternets are all a flutter as to whether or not this story is true. Endless debates are raging, chairs are being flung in disgust, middle-aged women are jumping on couches like Tom Cruise.

And me, I want it to be true, though I have no clue why I give a shit.

I remember seeing some TV coverage of Rob at Cannes last year, and I guess in the back of my head I knew something about the Twilight movie. So not too long after, I was at my local Red Box and saw Twilight and figured I'd watch it for a $1. (BTW, it really pisses me off that there are no more brick and mortar video stores near me. I love the whole process of picking up the boxes to read about the films to make my selection. And if I had a sudden urge to watch The Cutting Edge, I could go and rent it. Bite me Netflix.)

Worst $1 I ever spent.

Why? Because that $1 led me down the Rabbit Hole that is the Twilight time suck. That $1 bought me some crazy I can't explain or eradicate. I should have put that $1 into the Scratch-Off Lottery Ticket Machine next to the Red Box machine instead. George Washington can fuck himself - sideways.

I have a habit of googling actors I don't know in a film, and I googled Rob. I watched some of his interviews, and saw that he's a musician and listened to him sing. Then I googled Kristen and saw that there was talk of them being a real life couple. And for some reason I found THAT intriguing.

So whenever there is buzz about their coupledom, I'm like a giggly, goofy-grinning, hand-clapping moron. Like today. Clap, clapped, clapping. (For the record, I don't like the moniker "Robsten" and try to avoid it. And was it LOST that started the whole "shipper" thing? Ditto on that.)

I have a theory why this Sun article might be true:

Rob has his first significant lead in Remember Me and the premiere is in NYC next week. Kristen is in London right now and will fly to NY with Rob and attend the premiere - so it's time to publicize the relationship. Or...now that everyone thinks Rob is gay due to his self-proclaimed allergy to vaginas, it seems a good time to admit he's dating someone with a vagina.



At the Remember Me premiere?
Theories, though, are like assholes...yeah, you know the rest.