Reading Robmopolis

I've retitled this Robmopolis, because no way in hell would I have read it otherwise.

Never in a million years would I have picked up Cosmopolis and read it. Let's just say Don DeLillo (or David Cronenberg, for that matter) is not on my radar. Or anywhere near my radar. Or could find my radar with another radar. If it's not non-fiction, Gone With the Wind, or Twilight, chances are I haven't read it.



Yup, pretty much the only fiction I've ever read.


In fact, I didn't buy Cosmopolis at all. Mr. Bitch bought it for me after our stalking 10-year-anniversary trip to Toronto last June during Cosmopolis filming. It's been sitting on my coffee table ever since, under my Beloved, Well-Worn, Shutterfly-Created, Rob Coffee-Table Book.

Until a few weeks ago...

...when that fuck-crazy, 34-second Cosmopolis teaser trailer came out. You know, the one that changed Rob's career in 34 seconds? Seriously. People are fucking ridiculous. Here's Rob acting pretty close to how he did in Remember Me, throw in gratuitous violence, sex and David Cronenberg, and all of a sudden, Rob is legit. Idiots. Fickle, fickle, idiots.



OMG, Pattinson is a pansy-ass vampire the most awesome actor EVER!!!!!


So I'm watching the teaser trailer and of course I was like, "WTF, I've gotta read the book 'cause I have no clue what is going on." And let me tell you, the ONLY redeeming quality of this book is that I got to picture Rob as the protagonist. Ok, it did have some interesting commentary on society that stuck with me for a little bit. But man, Don DeLillo is not a pleasure to read. Being able to envision Rob, while being exposed to the story for the first time, was pretty cool though. Even more so than when I read Bel Ami, for some reason.

Now, I'm not sure what to recommend - read the book before seeing the film, or not? It seems that the film closely follows the book, so I don't think anyone needs to read it before seeing it in order to understand the plot. And there is absolutely NO risk that the book will be better than the film. None! So unless you want the vicarious thrill of imagining Rob now, as opposed to seeing him doing these things in the flesh (and some flesh there will be) later, I wouldn't bother with the book.

Flesh...

...and some more flesh.


You're welcome.

Robert Pattinson 2011 Calendar Giveaway!

Damn you, Groupon.

Here I am, now in POST-moving hell. (How the fuck do people work and move and set up a house and have time to take a shower?) But Groupon just had to offer a Shutterfly deal of two calendars for the price of one last week. Except I thought I could make 2 DIFFERENT calendars. Um, no.

So I used half of my precious Sunday last weekend to put together a Rob calendar - before freakin January is over. What a pain in the ass. For some reason my laptop - clueless as I am - has been saving my Rob photos in recent times as bitmaps instead of jpegs. And since Shutterfly only takes jpegs - and I didn't have time to rectify the problem - I wasn't able to use some photos I was planning on putting in the calendar.

But...I just got it in the mail and this thing came out FUCKING GORGEOUS! And I have an extra...



Screw those "professional" Rob calendars that have only ONE giant photo of Rob per month. MY calendar has many Robs per month. Let's just say this works out much, much better.

Trust me. If you are reading this blog, you want this one two of a kind calendar.

Although it's hard to make Rob G-Rated, since he's just naturally XXX, I kept the calendar work and kid safe. This would have been a WHOLE different piece if I was hanging it at home.

So how can you get it?

First, if you're not already, become a follower of this blog. Then, in the comments, tell me why you MUST have the calendar. Whoever makes me laugh the hardest, wins!

Deadline to enter is midnight Tuesday, January 11. (1/11/11 - cool!). I'll post the winner on Wednesday.

Here's a looky-loo (click on photos to enlarge):

The antidote...to January

Rob+Oscars=Love

Lucky Charm



Remember Me

Bel Ami

Now this is FIREWORKS!

Montauk, L.I.





Thankful for you



Now go forth and make me laugh. Please. I need a few laughs. And you need this calendar.

xoxxoxoxoxoxoxo

Whew! Glad all my hard work paid off...

As I'm sure you've all heard, Rob won Best Male Actor for Remember Me at last night's Teen Choice Awards.

Because of me.

Yes. It's true.

Don't believe me? You'll see tonight when they broadcast his acceptance speech.

"Thanks especially to my Bitch for your efforts. I will repay you with my tongue."


My secret weapon? I've been traveling the country giving out free Silly Bandz to every tween with computer access, bribing them to vote for Rob in that category.




No, not really. I don't have that kind of money, or that kind of time. But I bet I could get a whole lot of free dishwashing in exchange for this latest tween crack if I did. The coolest ones that just came out are solar powered - they go from white to purple as soon as you hit the sun. I could probably get my house cleaned in exchange for those.

Anyhoo... I'm gratified to know that I'm not the only one who is obsessively in love with Remember Me. I spent much of my weekend at the beach last week trying to get the house to watch it with me - to no avail. Bastards. I bet THEY didn't vote for Rob. But I'm sure glad a lot of other people did.

Congratulations Rob!

Glad I could win this one for you.

Seriously? Teen Choice Awards - you can STILL vote

Jeez. This is like the longest voting period ever. So head on over to Teen Choice Awards and help Rob and Remember Me WIN an award!

I've been over there voting at this site so many times I feel like I'm married to it. Which makes me feel old and tired, like my real marriage. They have more categories for this thing than the Academy Awards, Grammy's and Emmy's combined. Well maybe not. But they keep adding more all the time, so as soon as they create a category for "Best Zit Cream" (teen awards, get it??) I think it will.

At this point I just skim through and look for categories that have Rob, and if I'm feeling generous, some of the Twilight cast. And anything with Modern Family (best show ever!) and anything I can vote against Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

Put aside at least 3 hours to wade through this thing, but if Remember Me WINS, it will all be worth it, right?

**Note to Summit: I'm still waiting for my paycheck for promoting this film in an effort to make up for your shiteous attempt. **

Remember Me #1 Film of 2010!

According to me! Well, and these guys. I have no idea what or who Entertainment Focus is, but they have great taste!

So in honor of this great honor, I am posting the latest stills released from Remember Me below.

Mr. Bitch watched the movie with me for the first time this past weekend (I say first time because he's already caught some more during my subsequent viewings) and the first thing he said was "Rob was really good in that". Oh be still my heart! But he didn't like the ending - because Rob died and that made him upset. Or that's what he said.

I can't get Mr. Bitch to vote in the Teen Choice Awards to get Remember Me even MORE recognition, but you can. Just remember your birthdate falls in the same year Remember Me begins (1991) and you'll be all registered and ready to vote.

Here are Rob's categories:

Movie Actor: Fantasy
Movie: Drama (Remember Me)
Movie Actor: Drama
Chemistry
Liplock
Male Hottie

And to reward you for your efforts, here's some Rob as Tyler goodness (click for larger - seriously):

FINALLY - this fucking day has arrived

First things first. EVERYONE needs to get their virtual patooties over to The Teen Choice Awards site and vote for Remember Me and Rob - Best Drama and Best Actor/Drama categories. You have to register and pretend you are a teenager, or it won't accept your votes. Shouldn't be much of a stretch - I think most of us act 19 at most in Robville. Or am I insulting 19 year olds?

How awesome if Remember Me won and got the exposure it deserves, now that it COMES OUT ON DVD T.O.D.A.Y.???? Yes, today is THAT day!

Summit promoted Remember Me all wrong and the critics beat it up, swaying the public from seeing what Rob can do apart from Twilight. We can't let this travesty continue!


See what Summit and those evil critics did to Rob??

Fuck the critics! Fuck Summit! Lend your DVD to everyone you know and avenge this atrocity.

If you read my review of Remember Me which was ridiculously long, making up 2 parts you know I really, really, no kidding, LOVED Remember Me.

Besides New Moon, which I went to see twice as a favor to LQ, I have never, ever, never seen a film in a theater more than once. I rarely go to the movies any more as it is. I'm too cheap, I'm too poor and people at the theaters are too annoying. So the fact that I went to see Remember Me THREE TIMES was huge. HUGE! I was aching to see Rob again, once I saw this film the first time.

Achingly, hauntingly, beautiful

I admit in my desperation these long, lonely, Remember Me-free months, I've looked to the internets for solace - watching the same, grainy, illegal, bootleg copy recorded in some seedy Russion porn theater, where these 2 annoying women get up from their seats like 10 times, blocking the screen over and over. Servicing men with blow jobs in the bathroom for a ruble is more important than watching Rob? Really?

Well thank fucking whatever powers that be that all that will now be behind me. Because after work, I am running out to Target with my Remember Me coupon and putting myself out of my misery.

Tonight, I'll be feasting my eyes on this




and this



and, oh, yeah this



And listening to Rob doing commentary! Did you hear me??? Rob doing commentary!

What friggin time is it? Arrghhhhhhhhh! This work day can't end fast enough.

I'm coming Rob, I'm coming (TWSS).

I entered the Twilight, Twilight Zone

So I went to drop something off at someone’s desk at work today, and there were 2 males (lets calls them Tom and Bobby), me and 1 other female (we‘ll call her Alice) in this cube section. Now Tom is your typical sports loving guy and Bobby I don’t know that well, but he‘s probably in his early 30‘s. Alice is around 22 and loves vampires and the Twilight series. This is the conversation that went down:

Tom: (addressing me) So I saw your movie last night.

Alice: Remember Me?

Tom: No freaking way!

Me: Hey!

Bobby: Is that the new movie with Miley Cyrus?

Me: NO! It’s NOT a Nicholas Sparks film.

Emily is SO NOT Miley Cyrus!

Bobby: Rob Pattinson is like a bad Ryan Phillipe. He can’t act.

Me: Yes he can. Seriously - Remember Me is really good.

Tom: I watched New Moon. I really liked it.

Alice: You did?

Tom: I’m Team Jacob.

Me and Alice: Laugh

Tom: I’m all about the wolves. They were fierce.

Me: When she shifts the story to Jacob’s perspective, the wolves are not as exciting.

Bobby: It was a little much with the naked chest thing the whole movie.

This intimidates men

Me: Well, in the extras the director said there was another take of Jacob taking his shirt off really slowly when Bella falls off the bike, but the author Stephanie Meyer thought it looked like the Chippendales.

Bobby: Was the author involved with making the movies?

Me: Oh, yeah. Very involved. She even had a cameo in the first one.

Alice: What did you think of the Volturi?

Tom: Who?

Me: The Italian vampires?

Tom: Oh, I hate that girl. I was annoyed when she came on screen. But the “hurt” thing was cool.

Me: Dakota Fanning? Really?

There are people who hate Dakota Fanning?


Me: Pain (I imitated her)

Tom: Yeah, that’s right pain.

Tom: Tickle

Me: Laughs

Tom: Wow, it works. I said tickle and you laughed!

Me: LOL. That was pretty good. I have to go….

Alice: Eclipse looks even better.

Tom: When they are finished with the 12 books…

Me and Alice: 4 books

Tom: …they should have a werewolf and a vampire create a mixed baby - that would be so cool.

Wouldn't that be the Wolfman?

Alice: What do you think about Breaking Dawn being made into a movie? If they do the birth it will be like a horror movie.

Me: Yeah, a lot of people don’t want it made because of all that.

Alice: I think they’re right! They shouldn’t make it.

Do we really want to experience this again?


Me: They’ll probably do a lot of fade to black. Like Stephanie did to ruin the honeymoon scene. (Whispers) Stephanie is such a cock block.

Alice: Gasps. Her mouth is hanging open. She cracks up.

Bobby: I’ve been listening to the books on tape.

Me: (In my head - did he really just say that?) I didn’t really like the woman they had reading New Moon, but I got used to her.

Bobby: I think the one I’m listening to now has different actors doing the voices.

Me: Really? I didn’t th…

Bobby: I think so, let me look it up online.

Me: Sorry, I really have to go to a meeting. Tom, promise me you’ll see Remember Me when it comes out on DVD. You’ll like it!

I can’t tell you how weird the whole discussion was. Usually I get eye rolls and am mocked for my Twilight/Rob interest at work, so I really didn’t know what to make of it. I really felt like I had entered an alternative universe.

I was shaking my head in disbelief for much of the rest of the day….