New York, Pattinson, Cronenberg, Elmo and That Fucking Hat

You've heard of Fan Fiction?  Well this is Fan Non-Fiction.  Or word vomit.  All depends on your perspective.  Anywho... this is my very, very overly-detailed account of seeing Rob in person, for the first (and perhaps the last) time.  Yeah, it's old news, but it took a while to recover:

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I don’t know what possessed me to check Robsessed at that moment in time, right after they posted the announcement for the TimesTalk Q&A with David Cronenberg and Robert Pattinson on August 15th -  but I did. (How do these girls at Robsessed do it anyway? Do they have a Bat Phone to Rob or something? They constantly leave me in awe with their prolific updates and scoops.)

I could go see these guys!

I am located outside of DC, but I recognized quickly that this might be the only chance I get to see Rob in person. Going to premieres, waiting in lines and camping out aren’t in my future (or in my past, and exist only in my nightmares).  So I jumped on it. One ticket or two? Two tickets or three? Would Mr. Bitch want to go? Hmmmm…

I’m cheap though, and cheap won out. I bought ONE ticket. Big mistake. Big, BIG, mistake (to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman).

By the time I thought to buy more, it was sold out. And they were going for $100’s on Ebay already! Mr. Bitch begged me to sell my ticket. And I was tempted. I mean, what was I thinking? I’m going to go to NYC on a weekday to see Rob for an hour and a half?

There was no way I was going to charge my fellow Rob-crazed partners-in-crime some jacked-up price for a ticket anyway. So while the potential $$$ in front of me was appealing, it wasn’t going to happen. So I put in for PTO, got 2 Amtrak tickets and tried to figure out how I was going to get Mr. Bitch to come with me for the day – to sit in line.

Yes, initially I was going to get off the train and sit in line – all day – so I could be as close to Rob as possible. I cursed TimesTalks for their “general admission” tickets and even tried to find someone I could pay $100 to sit on line for me. Eventually the insanity subsided and I was resigned to at least being in the same room as Rob and playing the line-waiting-game that day by ear.

I pleaded and begged and cajoled Mr. Bitch to escort me. But he wouldn’t commit. When the “scandal” broke, he was convinced Rob wouldn’t show, and kept that stance up all the way to the point he saw him with his own eyes in NY. So when I announced we would now be taking the 3 a.m. train to see Rob at Good Morning America, I was pushing my luck. He was still telling me to sell the ticket…

“Waaa, waaa, waaa, you have to come! I need you that day! You know you’ll have fun once you’re there with me! Waaa, waaa, waaa.” And finally, finally, he relented (I may have offered sex) and took the day off so he could join me. And away we went...

The last time I was on Amtrak was for a trip to Charleston, SC - the time a tree fell on the track during a rain storm and we were stuck on the train for 24 hours. Oh, and on the way down some drunk bitch wouldn’t shut up in the “Quiet Car” and no one at Amtrak had the balls to kick her off. So why I thought we could sleep on the train to NY is beyond me. We didn’t.

Pretty much sucked this bad.

When we arrived with no sleep at Penn Station at 6:40 a.m., we had to book it to get to GMA by 7. The last time I was in NYC was 2002, but I knew its either you keep moving or die. Unfortunately I have a bad heel that started acting up that week (of course) and when I tried to run across a street, something snapped. I.suddenly.couldn’t.walk. Fuck. I have a day of walking around NYC ahead of me, and I just lost one of my feet. Perfect!

I really could have used Tori Spelling's scooter that day.

I leaned on Mr. Bitch and hobbled the rest of the way, and jumped into the fray at GMA. “Are they interviewing Rob inside or out?” In. “What time is he scheduled?” Not until after 8 a.m. So we waited and watched them put on a morning show. It’s fascinating and impressive what they do live every day.

You can see inside the studio, except for the giant screen, where they do the weather, cock-blocking us.

And the people-watching was superb. Homeless guy with the sign “Need cash for weed”? Priceless.

There were at least 100 of these women who camped out/waited hours to see Rob.

  Only the first 5-10 in this photo got a photo or autograph when Rob came out.  Ouch.

I was enthralled, but Mr. Bitch was not happy. So I sent him to scope out a bathroom for later. While he was gone, the US women’s gymnasts team (Fab Five) walked right by (holy shit they are tiny) and then, all of a sudden, Mr. Bitch comes running back, his face all lit up “I just saw Rob!! He ran into the building and I was standing right there! He was gorgeous!” Very funny, Mr. Bitch. But he was telling the truth. He (who didn’t want to be there) just happened to be next to Rob when he entered the building. Are you fucking kidding me?

But soon enough, I could see Rob through the window entering the studio and I became all psycho fan, getting as close in as possible, taking photos of the back of his head. (If I had to give the day a theme it was “Rob’s Bitch is always at the wrong angle”. I could see George Snufalufagus just perfectly, fuck you very much.) Rob glowed. His hair glowed. The whole studio was enraptured. Angels sang.



I did see him play with his hair at one point!

Then just like that, it was over. I saw the top of his head getting into a car and I waved goodbye like a moron as the car pulled away.

It was only 8:30 in the morning and we were in sleep-deprived comas, and I couldn’t walk. Thus started the day’s mantra “I’m never doing anything this stupid again.” We needed sleep!

I limped over to a Duane Reade pharmacy to find something for my foot. (Are there Duane Reade’s anywhere else but Manhattan? ) Bingo, I found something that would allow me to walk, albeit slowly. As I was adjusting my shoes, Mr. Bitch says "There's Elmo".  And sure enough, there was Elmo.

Followed by Hello Kitty and Mickey Mouse. At 8:30 a.m.  Eating "special" mushrooms couldn’t get you close to that image. I have no idea why, but Mr. Bitch just had to get Hello Kitty’s autograph. So he did.

If you look closely you can see her trying to look through her big head to sign the autograph, lol.

We ate breakfast and I had an epiphany – let’s go to Central Park, lay under a tree and take a nap! Yeah, they’re calling for thunderstorms, but it looks fine. So that’s what we did. We took a death-defying cab ride to 72nd Street and found a spot overlooking the Boat House. Perfect. Until some asshole started playing the ukele. I think we slept for a little bit, although it was hard to do when you’re trying to sleep and not get mugged at the same time.

Mini Rob pretty much sucks at warding off muggers.

Central Park is actually incredibly beautiful and well-maintained. At least in that area.

Seriously, how beautiful is this park?

When the sky started to threaten we packed up and headed toward the Alice statue. (It wasn’t until we got there that I told Mr. Bitch why I wanted to go there – to touch the spot where Rob sat on the statue in Remember Me.) I touched the spot - and I’m not ashamed to say it was exciting. Ok, maybe slightly ashamed.

It started to rain. Lightly. We huddled on a bench under our 2 little umbrellas, thinking it would pass. Not. It got heavier, and heavier. And it was so heavy we couldn’t even attemp to find shelter. So we huddled closer, protecting our bags. And got soaked. All I remember was looking at Mr. Bitch and proclaiming “we’re fucked”.

It was pretty much just like this.

When it stopped, we had 2 hours before TimesTalk had suggested getting in line. We were around 35 blocks away, and I figured that would give me enough hobbling time to get there, and dry off. (Let’s just say that straightening my hair before I left that morning was now all for naught).

Unbelieveably it DID take us 2 hours to walk/shuffle to the event and when I got on line right before 4 pm, I was at the end. I gave Mr. Bitch the challenge to guess how many men where on the line (definitely less than 10) and then set him free in the city for a few hours as we waited, and waited and survived a giant lightning strike. (I felt so bad when I jumped on the woman in front me from the shock!)

The next 2.5 hours were interminable. They herded us into the lobby and then into our seats. Luckily I got one on the isle only around 10 rows back.

I had to get up a number of times to let people out for the bathroom. One of these times I spotted JJ and STY from Twitarded a few rows over. Eventually I got up the balls to go over and they both reacted adorably when I introduced myself as “Rob’s Bitch”. Then they made an announcement threatening to give away any empty seats,so I skidaddled.

Finally, finally, they lifted up the backdrop behind the stage.



It was cool how you could see the lobby of the Times Building through the glass, and the flash bulbs going off.

The excitement building inside and around me was palpable.  Suddenly you could see flash bulbs lighting up the windows in the hallway to the right, and we all knew that Rob was close.  When he finally was introduced and walked in, I was totally watching the wrong door ... and missed him.

But then, the realization happened.  The drop-in-the-stomach, disappointed, WTF, are you kidding me, why is he wearing that fucking hat, moment.  Let's be honest, I didn't travel all that way to hear Rob ponder film making and wax philosophical.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy that about him, and get my fill of that in various mediums in the privacy of my own home.  But no.  I was there to see his hotness in person.  In the flesh.  And a big part of that involves his hair. 


Why Rob, why???

And I clearly was not the only one.  Immediately there were cries around me of "Rob, take off your hat!", etc.  Decorum and maturity would have dictated I tell these women to shut up, but I was silently grateful for their verbal requests.  If only he had heeded the call.

All week we had seen him looking hotter than ever, so the expectation of his appearance that evening was pretty damn super sonic. 



First we had this...

...then this...

... then "OMFG there are no words", THIS...

...then this 10 hours earlier that same day...

...and finally"WTF"?? (He still looks adorable here yes, but, still...)

My seat was pretty close, but the angle sucked for optimal Rob viewing,  All I pretty much saw was his left profile - and perfect frontal views of the Two Davids.  Grumble, grumble, grumble. At least the angle didn't impact my view of his hands and wonky legs. 

They made it clear that no photos were allowed once the "talent" was in the auditorium.  And except for one flash, it appeared everyone complied. 

But I had a different device I was using, that I'm pretty sure caught the attention of security, who probably presumed it was a recording device.  Binoculars. 

So while everyone was watching the film clips, I was watching Rob.  Through binoculars.  When he dropped his water-bottle cap, and was fumbling around with those E.T. fingers trying to grasp it off the floor, I got in close.  With my binoculars.

Yeah, they talked about the film blah, blah, blah.  The Two Davids were clever intellectuals and Rob was adorable (and can keep up with them just fine), but all I saw was Rob and his shyness. All I heard was his giggle.  He is as sweet in person as he appears in interviews.

The highlight was when Rob and I shared a moment.  At least I believe we did.  In Rob fashion he felt he was going on about some deep observation and suddenly declared he didn't know what he was talking about and asked "What time is it anyway"? about an hour into the Q&A.  Everyone laughed and then I did one of those "after the laughter extended laughs" and ROB DID IT TOO!  I swear, he chuckled at my chuckle!  He did, I tell 'ya!

It ended all too quickly.

Some girl next to me yelled "Rob look this way!" and sweet Rob obliged and I waved and said "Bye Rob" again, like a moron, and then limped on out, met Mr. Bitch, grabbed a falafel and got back on the train - never wanting a shower and my bed more in my life (with Rob, of course).

Please tell me Rob and Kristen find the insanity somewhat amusing

Rob and Kristen have to be finding some humor over the bordering-on-the-psychotic public/media interest in their love life and the resulting ongoing surge of ridiculous stories and speculation. I've started cracking up myself when I see the far-fetched and constant headlines popping up. Of course they could be pissed off that these troglodytes are making money off of their names. But I'm hoping for the former and not the latter.



Let's see what's been "reported" thus far, shall we (not necessarily in order)?



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Rob moved out of his house


Rob told Kristen to move out


Kristen moved out, not Rob


A UHaul was spotted in front of the house


The UHaul was a fake, set up by the paps


Rob was just weeks away from proposing to Kristen


Rob was not weeks away from proposing to Kristen


Kristen and Sanders did not have sex


Kristen and Sanders had an intimate dinner in Germany


The intimate dinner actually included Charlize Theron and others


Katy Perry is considering a relationship with Rob


Kristen wants a meeting with Rob in New York


Photogs got $250,000 from US Weekly


Photogs did not get $250,000 from US Weekly


Charlize Theron is furious with Kristen


Charlize Theron is on set and hasn't actually commented to the press


Rob wants a man-to-man with Rupert Sanders


Kristen's been cheating on Rob since last year


Kristen cheated because of Rob's relationship with Emilie de Ravin


Kristen cheated because she was scared Rob would propose


Rob wants to talk to Liberty Ross


Rob is picking up women in the hotel he's staying at because he has no one to talk to


Rob is in Toronto


Rob is in Montreal


Rob is in New York


Rob is in London


Rob is dead


Rob is staying at Reese Witherspoon's ranch


Reese Witherspoon is counseling Rob since she had a similar experience


Reese isn't counseling Rob


Rob isn't talking to Kristen


Kristen is sending Rob pleading texts


Kirstie Alley is converting Rob to Scientology


Liberty Ross's brother says an affair has been going on since set


Liberty Ross's family denies ever talking to the press


Kristen is hiding out at her parents' house


Rob and Kristen are battling for custody of their rescued dog Bear


Rob is cancelling Cosmopolis promos


Rob isn't cancelling Cosmpolis promos


Breaking Dawn cast is forbidden by Summit to talk to the press


Breaking Dawn cast isn't forbidden by Summit to talk to the press


Rob is dreading Breaking Dawn promos


Kristen is banned from the New York Cosmopolis premiere


Liberty Ross has banned Rupert Sanders from ever working with Kristen again


Kristen got a role in the film Lie Down in Darkness. beating out Jennifer Lawrence


Kristen has not been offered any role in Lie Down in Darkness


Kristen is pregnant - father unknown


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Did I miss anything??


What's even crazier is that people believe this shit! And support this crap with their money (I'm guilty to some extent when I click on their sites, ugh).


It's madness, madness I tell ya! At least they appear to be slowing down...for now.

I feel for Rob...and Kristen

Oy vey, what a week. The relationship Rob and Kristen worked so hard to keep private, was suddenly thrust into public view in such an explosive manner.

US Weekly had them married, broken up, pregnant and cheating so many different times that I initially blew the story off as yet another attempt by this piece of crap "magazine" to make money. I guess if you throw shit at a wall enough times, some of it is going to stick.

There are so many disturbing layers to this event - where do you even begin?

I don't know the inner workings of all the relationships involved, but the public spotlight shining on them makes me feel for everyone affected. It's none of our business and yet somehow that doesn't seem to matter in our society. An entire industry exists selling the private info of people making a living in public - because people buy it.

What I find most disturbing though is the crucifixion of Kristen. Our society quickly turns into an angry lynch mob without knowing all the information and without any consideration for the individual at the other end. It always disgusts me, and this time is no exception.

Especially when it comes from women who would have "cheated" on their boyfriends or husbands if given the chance to hook up with Rob. Is anyone thinking about Kristen in that equation? Nope. Millions of people - men and women - want her boyfriend. That is a position none of us will ever be in nor can fathom. How did that alone affect her choice here?

Kristen is already the target of people who dislike her (how do you dislike someone so much that you don't even know and wish them harm??), so this just gives them the opportunity to pile it on and somehow validate their feelings toward her. I'm aware that I only know a version of Rob and Kristen from what is shown to us - and much of that is a reaction to screaming fans, forced interviews, stalking paps and flashing cameras - but unfortunately there are many people who don't get that.

Where is the anger at the parasitic paparazzi that follow her and Rob's every step? The money this guy was rewarded with for essentially being a Peeping Tom is more morally repugnant than anything he filmed.

This is my assessment based on the little info I know: Rupert Sanders was predatory toward Kristen. Months sequestered on a set, the focus all on his star, her interest in the technical aspects of directing, him being an authority figure, traveling together for promos. It can be a heady feeling to have that kind of attention, that led to her eventually succumbing to his advances.

Her age and lack of real-world experiences is an excellent excuse for her behavior. She had an unusual upbringing on Hollywood sets. She barely went to school - never dealing with normal peer pressure or adolescent drama. She didn't experience the normal teacher crushes. She never whored around in college like most of us. No one can deny that she comes to age 22 through a very different path than most women.

If this meeting hadn't been filmed, my guess is it would have fizzled out on its own - and dealt with in private as it should have been. My reading on the photos I saw was that he was way more into her than she was into him. This wasn't going anywhere. She wasn't wanting out of her relationship with Rob - she just got caught up in Rupert's desire.

So here we are.

I can't help but wonder if they made the wrong choice in their attempts to be so overly private about their relationship and if this only added to the spectacular nature of the reveal in the public's eye. It would make for an interesting study.

Personally, I'm feeling less excited at the prospect of seeing Rob in person at the TimesTalk event with David Cronenberg in 2 weeks. While I'd be disappointed if Rob canceled due to everything going on, I almost hope he does since I'll feel like I'm intruding on him at a time when he needs to be away from the public.

I hope everyone can start showing a little more compassion and a little less judgment. Empathy is a beautiful thing...try it.

The Longest Foreplay in History! Did Bel Ami satisfy?

I know we're in the middle of Cosmopolis madness, but in the US next weekend, Bel Ami will be debuting in some theaters. A very few theaters, unfortunately. So it seems like the appropriate time to share some thoughts.

Was Bel Ami worth the wait, anticipation and aggravation? Did it make my loins burn with the heat of a thousand suns?

Well, not entirely...

It might have something though to do with high expectations. It's a period piece (my favorite genre), with Rob as the lead, having sex with multiple women. So that's a shitload of expectations!

**SPOILERS AHEAD**

The Good

- The beauty that is Rob - the camera just loves the boy. And the costumes were gorgeous on him, or off him. Just perfect.

- The scene where he first tries to have sex with Clothilde and they are kissing on the bed and he is obsessed with ripping off her dress to get at her boobs. Hot!

- Rob doing a film in a British accent. (I have issues with that in general regarding the film {see below}, but having Rob speak in his native tongue was a real treat).


- Uma Thurman never looked so good. I've never found her attractive, but she looked soft and lovely in this film.

- Rob's got game! I wasn't sure he could pull off seducing multiple women, but he was convincing.

- Rob had chemistry with everyone. Compared to his chemistry with Reese Witherspoon in Water for Elephants, I bought into each woman - regardless of their age or type.

- Rob and Christina (Georges and Clothilde) were so sweet together. They seemed like a real couple.

- Kristin Scott Thomas was appropriately pathetic.

- Angry DuRob! Vein popping out of head? Oh yeah! Rob saying "All along I was the one getting fucked!" Double oh yeah!

- Rob in long johns.

- Rob fixing a woman's hair.

- Christina Ricci - she was amazing. Perfect mix of vulnerability and resignation about the situation.

- Passed out, drunk, beaten Rob. For some reason, very yummy.

The Bad

- The character development. It didn't work. I didn't really care about anyone.

- Rob's weird mouth movements. Very strange.

- Georges' flashback/dream/crying sequence when Charles Forestier died. Just didn't work.

- Leaving out the visit with Georges' parents from the book. The whole film felt very claustrophobic. We needed some scenes with them in the coutryside.

- Having everyone speaking in British accents in a film based in France. Was a little distracting.

- Uma Thurman over-acting.

- Not enough of Rob's thrusting ass. More of this with lights on, please!!!!

The Ugly

- Every man in the film except Rob. You know, I noticed that in Water for Elephants as well. Are other men really that ugly in comparison, or is it deliberate casting decisions?

- The prostitutes. Seriously, the one he was attracted to was not attractive! The makeup, the hair, the clothes. Very strange if that was an accurate depiction of how prostitutes looked at that time in France.

Back to some of the "good":

In general, I was expecting to dislike Georges DuRoy, but I didn't find him any more of a user than any of the other players. They all seemed to be self-serving social climbers.

I hope to be able to see this in the theater. Thanks to Verizon, I never did get to see it in HD... bastards.

The frustration that is Bel Ami

Bel Ami has always been a frustrating roller-coaster ride of a film. Trying to watch it Friday night was just more of that same exercise.

I happened to wake up at 3 a.m. Friday morning and suddenly remembered that Bel Ami should have been available at midnight on Fios. Nope, not there. When I got up again later that morning, there it was. Yippity, dippity, do. Plan was to rush home after work to watch it. Calling in sick was, unfortunately, not an option.

But plans change. I didn't want to deprive Mr. Bitch of watching his team on the large TV that night, and he said he wanted to watch Bel Ami with me - so the plan was to watch it after the game. Hey, I figured, I've waited 2 years, what's 2 more hours? HA! The game went into extra innings, and innings, and innings. Great. Fuck.

FINALLY, the game was over and although half asleep, I went to the VOD page to order it. Saw there was a choice for HD - hooray. Ordered it and the screen says LOADING. And then up pops "VOD ERROR - we cannot process your request at this time."

Are you fucking kidding me?

So I tried again and this time it only had the Standard Def (SD) option. So I chose that.

Same.fucking.error.message.

Suddenly I was wide awake, with FURY, determined now to see the film.

So I hit the Interwebs to find out what the hell that error message meant and followed all the instructions I found - unplugging the DVR, rebooting, waiting, waiting. No change.

So I call Verizon at 11 p.m. and the first thing I hear is the recording "We are experiencing a VOD issue". Again I thought, "seriously, is this really happening?" I got an agent on the phone (which I admit was surprising at that hour) and he confirmed that it was a system-wide issue that wouldn't be resolved until SATURDAY AFTERNOON.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I said to him "So what you are saying is that Robert Pattinson crashed your system." That got a laugh, but I was still without Bel Ami.

So I hit the Interwebs again to see where else I could watch it on my laptop. Now mind you, 2 days ago my laptop died. So it was a good damn thing I replaced it right away, or this wouldn't have been an option on Mr. Bitch's 10-year-old Dell. But, I didn't have the iTunes software installed on this laptop yet, so I had to do that first. I installed the software and then went to buy the film, and got all the way to "Put in password for billing" and it wouldn't take the password. It didn't say it was the wrong password, but it wouldn't leave that screen and let me make the purchase. So I reset my Apple password. Nothing. Reset it again. Still nothing.

Are you fucking kidding me?

So I went to the Interwebs again to find another option and saw Amazon. It wasn't the greatest connection quality (and I'm not sure why that was), but alas, I was able to watch Bel Ami at 1 a.m.

After 2 years, 1 day and 6 hours of frustration, I finally got to meet DuRob.

When I woke up late Saturday, there it was on Fios - they had corrected the problem. But it was in SD, not HD. And according to Verizon, there was no way to switch it.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I've spent much of the day watching Bel Ami, not in HD, over and over. Frustrated, as usual, when it comes to this film.

So, was it all worth it? The constant release date rumors, threats of never seeing it, the hurdles to watch it?

I'll tell you in my next post...

Reading Robmopolis

I've retitled this Robmopolis, because no way in hell would I have read it otherwise.

Never in a million years would I have picked up Cosmopolis and read it. Let's just say Don DeLillo (or David Cronenberg, for that matter) is not on my radar. Or anywhere near my radar. Or could find my radar with another radar. If it's not non-fiction, Gone With the Wind, or Twilight, chances are I haven't read it.



Yup, pretty much the only fiction I've ever read.


In fact, I didn't buy Cosmopolis at all. Mr. Bitch bought it for me after our stalking 10-year-anniversary trip to Toronto last June during Cosmopolis filming. It's been sitting on my coffee table ever since, under my Beloved, Well-Worn, Shutterfly-Created, Rob Coffee-Table Book.

Until a few weeks ago...

...when that fuck-crazy, 34-second Cosmopolis teaser trailer came out. You know, the one that changed Rob's career in 34 seconds? Seriously. People are fucking ridiculous. Here's Rob acting pretty close to how he did in Remember Me, throw in gratuitous violence, sex and David Cronenberg, and all of a sudden, Rob is legit. Idiots. Fickle, fickle, idiots.



OMG, Pattinson is a pansy-ass vampire the most awesome actor EVER!!!!!


So I'm watching the teaser trailer and of course I was like, "WTF, I've gotta read the book 'cause I have no clue what is going on." And let me tell you, the ONLY redeeming quality of this book is that I got to picture Rob as the protagonist. Ok, it did have some interesting commentary on society that stuck with me for a little bit. But man, Don DeLillo is not a pleasure to read. Being able to envision Rob, while being exposed to the story for the first time, was pretty cool though. Even more so than when I read Bel Ami, for some reason.

Now, I'm not sure what to recommend - read the book before seeing the film, or not? It seems that the film closely follows the book, so I don't think anyone needs to read it before seeing it in order to understand the plot. And there is absolutely NO risk that the book will be better than the film. None! So unless you want the vicarious thrill of imagining Rob now, as opposed to seeing him doing these things in the flesh (and some flesh there will be) later, I wouldn't bother with the book.

Flesh...

...and some more flesh.


You're welcome.

Well now, that's not something you see every day

That was the first thing I thought when I saw the photos of PaddleRob.

The second thing I thought was "Why the fuck did I pick THIS Sunday to take an internet break and how is it that work was sooooooo busy Monday I didn't get a chance to see these pictures until Tuesday?"

Some other thoughts that went through my head:

"Rob goes to the beach? I bet he's not wearing sunscreen."

"OMG, his hair grew in!" and "I like his beard better wet."

"Is he at the beach all alone? That doesn't seem safe."

"Um, those waves are pretty wimpy, but I'm still surprised he can stand up on the board."

"Holy crap, he truly almost lost his trunks a few times."

"There aren't sharks in Malibu, are there?"

"Rob looks hot running...

and running...

and running."

"Aww, Rob appreciates wildlife."

(All photos stolen from Robsessed)

Rob's head looks like....

...my closely trimmed va-jay-jay.

Now you know what my pubes look like.

No seriously. Exactly.the.same.

And that’s not a look I want to see on top of Rob’s head.

I admit I’m picky when it comes to guys' hair and clothes. And I definitely have preferences when it comes to Rob. One of my greatest pleasures in life is looking at him – and I’m not apologizing for that!

My husband I have to love no matter how crappy he looks; my fantasy boyfriend needs to keep up appearances, or it's over.

This is what I think happened with Rob’s hair:

Nick: Rob, you have to at least get the beard cleaned up and get a haircut for The People’s Choice Awards appearance.

Rob: Fine. It’s the fans’ fault I have to go to this piece of shit award show during my time off, so fuck ‘em. I’ll just shave the thing and I’m wearing whatever the fuck I pull off the floor. Then I’m only going to show up for 2 minutes, sit next to Betty White, accept the award, and leave.

This photo was snapped right after Betty told Rob "I would have fucked you after the show, but now I have nothing to grab on to."

Yup, that’s how it played out…

Unless he had let it grow so much, and hadn't combed it in so long, that all the tangled clumps had to be shaved off. A more likely scenario.

Oh, Rob....

Rob’s Hair:

Long-ish hair is fine – but not when it’s floppy, or greasy, or all over the place.

Yeah, um, no

Short hair is fine – but not so much when you can see the cranial landscape.

And people thought THIS was too short.

I’m sick of the ugly baseball hats.

No Rob, I will NOT obey until you stop wearing the baseball hats!

Amazingly starting to miss the beanie, although that got a little old as well.

The Beanie kind of grew on me - and I'm sure that wasn't the only thing growing on that sweaty thing...

The Grizzly Adams beard sucks. And hair on the neck, under the chin, grosses me out!!!

BAD beard/hat combo

GOOD beard/hat combo, bwhahahahahaha



Now THIS beard works (although the hair is pushing my limits)

This shot makes my trimmed va-jay-jay very happy!

Hate when the eyebrows are too overgrown – if you can braid them or they are starting to grow into the hairline, trim them.

I want to hold him down and manscape those things :>)


Rob's Clothes:

I don’t mind casual, but there are degrees of casual. Rob tends to go way too casual to some award shows and interviews (not Adam Sandler-casual, but too casual none the less).

This is what the schlub wears to a premiere. Enough said...

Sharing shirts with Tom Sturridge and Kristen aren’t cutting it.

I wonder if Tom and Rob compete for bad looks? I also wonder if they wash the shirts before swapping.

If the clothes aren’t crisp and clean and without tears, it’s never appropriate for an award show…period.

At least his People's Choice Award outfit was...dark?


Rob doesn’t give a shit – which irritates me and makes me chuckle at the same time. If I leave the clothing selection to Mr. Bitch, he will inevitably be changing before we leave the house – at least once. Rob and I would not get along.

I guess I'm not really Rob's Bitch after all - clearly he's mine.

And just to put my critique of Rob in perspective, I'll leave you with this photo of Tom Sturridge