Things I've discovered because of Robert Pattinson - Part 1

So.... Rob lost Entertainment Weekly's Sexiest Beast contest to Ian Somerhalderorrowor. You all failed him, but I'm moving on....I'm sure he is clueless and couldn't give a shit devastated.

NO ONE is a sexier beast than me!!!! Just not in this particular photo.

I have to admit, my world has expanded greatly since my obsession interest in Rob began. In some ways it has also withered - you don't see much of the world if you are glued to your computer watching Rob movies and videos or reading blogs and drooling over photos. Though it's kind of a sweet trade off...


Me, responding to my husband

I've come to discover many things I probably would never have known if not for Rob. Much of which I probably would have survived without. But there they now are, for better or worse, stored in my brain's hard drive, in need of a good purging.

Such as:

There are such things as "Fandoms"

I had no idea there were alternative universes that existed; people online that come together in their craziness to unite over their obsession. They create communities, gather together, develop new languages.

I'm not much of a joiner in real life, so I tend to take more of an observational position in this particular "fandom". I feel like Jane Goodall observing wildlife in their natural habitat. It's very fascinating!

Kinda' like this, but with personal computers ( I wonder if this is where the idea for Jersey Shore originated)

There is Fan Fiction

I barely acknowledge that fiction exists (I tend to read only non-fiction. I think Twilight was the first fiction I read in 10 years) so what a shocker to discover that fans actually write their own fiction based on other works of fiction. And lo and behold, the ones I've skimmed are pretty damn good!

I discovered this phenomenon while in search of an alternative to the infamous "fade to black" cockblock scene in Breaking Dawn. I think it was called Blood and Lust, and it certainly managed to satisfy. I read some of The Office, and then I went back to not reading fiction again.

But if I ever decide to, there's like 10 bazillion recommendation lists and 10 million sites devoted entirely to Twilight Fan Fiction. They have different categories with names like canons, with and without lemons, and I can't remember what else - that depict variations of characters and actors.

Who knew?

Fan Fiction is Porn for Women

Men have Internet Porn, women have Fan Fiction. Fact.

There are a lot of horny women out there. And they get hot and bothered from reading. Did Kinsey ever report on this? Did Masters and Johnson consider this when they did their studies? I don't think so.

Everyone assumes only men are perverts. But they have NOTHING on Fan Fiction readers. I guess Harlequin Novels might have been a giveaway, but this is on a whole other level.

The perfect marriage

Speaking of marriage...


A Single Actor can save THOUSANDS of marriages

I can't tell you how many women have proclaimed that Twilight, and Rob in particular, have reinvigorated their sex lives. Dorky, unassuming, self-deprecating Rob has turned into the world's greatest aphrodisiac.

That fact is the only reason husbands are putting up with this crap.


This is a man who is getting some. Or is trying to. Or is gay.

Oh, there's more...stay tuned.

Rob is losing!

To Ian Sommendalaeraler, or whatever the fuck his name is, from Vampire Diaries, in this Entertainment Weekly poll, Ultimate Sexy Beast, that's been narrowed down from like 3,000 nominees, or however many originally of which I have no clue.

We cannot let this happen!

"Um, hello? I am the fuckhottest, sexiest beast ever. So go vote for me, bitches!"

If you vote, I promise to post something other than Rob polls in the near future - I swear, I'm working on something. But when Andy Roddick is playing in a tournament that is actually being broadcast on TV, all bets are off.

But in the meantime, GO VOTE!!!!

Whew! Glad all my hard work paid off...

As I'm sure you've all heard, Rob won Best Male Actor for Remember Me at last night's Teen Choice Awards.

Because of me.

Yes. It's true.

Don't believe me? You'll see tonight when they broadcast his acceptance speech.

"Thanks especially to my Bitch for your efforts. I will repay you with my tongue."


My secret weapon? I've been traveling the country giving out free Silly Bandz to every tween with computer access, bribing them to vote for Rob in that category.




No, not really. I don't have that kind of money, or that kind of time. But I bet I could get a whole lot of free dishwashing in exchange for this latest tween crack if I did. The coolest ones that just came out are solar powered - they go from white to purple as soon as you hit the sun. I could probably get my house cleaned in exchange for those.

Anyhoo... I'm gratified to know that I'm not the only one who is obsessively in love with Remember Me. I spent much of my weekend at the beach last week trying to get the house to watch it with me - to no avail. Bastards. I bet THEY didn't vote for Rob. But I'm sure glad a lot of other people did.

Congratulations Rob!

Glad I could win this one for you.

Pimping for Pattinson - my work is never done

Vote for Rob in Glamour's 50 Sexiest Men poll. He won this poll last year, so let's get him that title again.

I know, I know, I ask you to vote for Rob alot. But it's really not for Rob - it's more for the following selfish reasons:

1) To irritate people who bash him

2) To get to see him in print and online when he wins these things

3) To keep him in demand in Hollywood, so we get to see him in more films

Come on, you know it's true, he IS the sexiest man, so just do it!

Here's some proof in black and white, if you need any convincing. And to drool over:

Seriously? Teen Choice Awards - you can STILL vote

Jeez. This is like the longest voting period ever. So head on over to Teen Choice Awards and help Rob and Remember Me WIN an award!

I've been over there voting at this site so many times I feel like I'm married to it. Which makes me feel old and tired, like my real marriage. They have more categories for this thing than the Academy Awards, Grammy's and Emmy's combined. Well maybe not. But they keep adding more all the time, so as soon as they create a category for "Best Zit Cream" (teen awards, get it??) I think it will.

At this point I just skim through and look for categories that have Rob, and if I'm feeling generous, some of the Twilight cast. And anything with Modern Family (best show ever!) and anything I can vote against Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

Put aside at least 3 hours to wade through this thing, but if Remember Me WINS, it will all be worth it, right?

**Note to Summit: I'm still waiting for my paycheck for promoting this film in an effort to make up for your shiteous attempt. **

I love hammocks

I've always had a thing for hammocks. Probably because they represent the ultimate in recreational laziness. And sleeping. I am a sleeper.

My ex-bf and I took a trip to the Outer Banks, N.C. and fell in love with the hand-woven hammocks they manufacture down there.

Ahhhh, that's what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately we lived in a condo at the time, so we could only dream of having our own someday.

Eventually we moved into a house with a huge yard, with huge black walnut trees - 2 of them perfectly situated to hang a hammock. So when his birthday came around that first June, it was hammock time! (Not to be confused with Hammer Time, which popularized pants with a crotch that coincidently kind of look like a hammock.)

I swear I could swing in that crotch. Pillow included.

I can't tell you how many wonderful, lazy hours I spent in our hammock. When I wasn't dodging black walnuts falling around me like hand grenades.

In a setting kind of like this.

Which probably contributed to our eventual breakup. He was a do-do-do kind of guy, and I am someone who functions best directing my servants at the castle. After 7 years together and no marriage proposal I moved out - thinking THAT would produce a proposal. Um, nope.

What it did do was lead him to another woman. And after berating him about her at some point, he mentioned all the places they had sex in MY house. Including....the hammock.

And then, OMG, something horrible happened to them both! This bear killed and ate them and took over the hammock!



Just kidding, just kidding. It was a mountain lion.

Needless to say, that was a crushing blow - to my love of hammocks. Happily, though, he quickly got engaged to her and then broke it off just as quickly. Let's just say time has proven this guy is marriage phobic. It wasn't about me, or the hammock.

Eventually I climbed back into the hammock again, this time at this incredible lakeside resort outside of Asheville, N.C. called Highland Lake Inn (Hey, what is it with hammocks and North Carolina??) If you like a casual, lake and mountain setting, this is the place.

Highland Lake Inn. They give good hammock.

But clearly I need to get off the East Coast and place my ass in THIS hammock. Man, this looks nice!




After this Asheville trip, I was longing once again for my own hammock. But I was in yet another condo. Boo freakin' hoo. (At this point I wasn't missing the boyfriend as much as the hammock, and my huge freezer. Damn, I still miss that freezer...)

Time went on, and someone else really, really wanted to marry me. So I said yes to Mr. Bitch and found this at Crate and Barrel when I went to register for our wedding - thinking we could put it in our townhouse yard:



Yeah, um, nope. This fucker was huge! I swear it took up the entire yard and looked ridiculous. And.had.to.be.returned. I was crushed.

Sooo.... I've been hammock free for a while. And haven't really given it much thought until





AND





Holy Hammock Hotness!!!!

Now I want a hammock again. This hammock specifically. The one that comes with Rob in it already. GAH!!!! The ultimate hammock fantasy.

I'll even buy a house with a yard to make this dream come true...

Remember Me #1 Film of 2010!

According to me! Well, and these guys. I have no idea what or who Entertainment Focus is, but they have great taste!

So in honor of this great honor, I am posting the latest stills released from Remember Me below.

Mr. Bitch watched the movie with me for the first time this past weekend (I say first time because he's already caught some more during my subsequent viewings) and the first thing he said was "Rob was really good in that". Oh be still my heart! But he didn't like the ending - because Rob died and that made him upset. Or that's what he said.

I can't get Mr. Bitch to vote in the Teen Choice Awards to get Remember Me even MORE recognition, but you can. Just remember your birthdate falls in the same year Remember Me begins (1991) and you'll be all registered and ready to vote.

Here are Rob's categories:

Movie Actor: Fantasy
Movie: Drama (Remember Me)
Movie Actor: Drama
Chemistry
Liplock
Male Hottie

And to reward you for your efforts, here's some Rob as Tyler goodness (click for larger - seriously):