Never Think you can underestimate the power of Rob

It's dark and rainy, Aunt Flo is flowing hard and fast and giving me the shits. I'd rather be anyplace than where I am - in agonizingly slow, rain-induced traffic, having to take off an hour from work, in search of a place to live - worrying I'm going to be forced to take a dump on the side of the road, in the rain. But the month is running out of days and I can't postpone checking this place out for wishes of nicer weather, a calmer stomach and a period-free day.

The radio is offering no comfort - repeating traffic and weather updates; music I don't want to hear; obnoxious announcers reading loud and crappy ad scripts. So I switch to my "mix" CD that's already in the player. It's songs I'm practicing for singing perfomances, but for some odd reason I included..

...Rob.

As if by design, it was cued up to his track. The car was suddenly filled with the calming guitar intro of Never Think - and it was transformative. Like instantaneously cathartic.

I was in Port Angeles, not in traffic. I was at Bella Italia, not in my car. I was eating dinner with Rob amid soft lights and he was telling me he didn't have the strength to stay away from me any longer. I pictured his fingers playing each string and his mouth releasing each lyric. I released a big sigh, and formed a big smile. And said out loud, "Vampire".

Just kidding...

I said "thank you Rob". And I really meant it. It's amazing the joy this man brings.

Mr. Bitch's Twitarded faux pas

This was just too good not to share..

Mr. Bitch: So anything new going on with Rob?

Rob's Bitch: Not really. Oh, some people Tweeted that they saw Rob and Kristen eating out and that Rob shaved his beard.

Mr. Bitch: Are you sure the TwiTarts don't just put this stuff out there to get everyone all excited about something?

Rob's Bitch: What was the name you just used? Did you just say TwiTarts?

Mr. Bitch: Yeah, TwiTarts. Right?

Rob's Bitch: Bwhahahahahahaha. It's TwiTARDS, not TwiTARTS! But that's pretty funny. I wonder if anyone has used that.

Mr. Bitch: Well, you are a TwiTart.

He's got me there....

Bloggus Interruptus - not that it will make much of a difference

I know, I'm not the most prolific blogger. Face it, I suck. But work is getting into the "busy" season and I have to move to a new place by November 1 - so something's gotta give, and it's gonna be Rob. And Netflix. Netflix Instant Play is the Devil.


There's a reason Netflix's color theme is RED!

I'm trying to trick myself about the urgency of my situation by making some official declarations to put a halt to all frivolity. I put my Netflix account on hold and am going to stay away from the Internet.

(Yeah right.)

And Fall TV Season? Arghhhh. Why, why, why...?

All this shit is like crack! I literally brought my laptop into the laundry room this weekend because I couldn't be down there for an extended period knowing there was a movie I could be watching. That's fucked up.

I have a Pepsi machine in my laundry room. Don't you?

But due to my other addiction - shopping - I have like 3 houses worth of crap to go through and pack/toss/sell. It's daunting. Especially for a procrastinator.

Sooooooo....

Arrivederci (I watched Letters to Juliet yesterday, and then just had to watch Under the Tuscan Sun because I needed more Italian countryside. See why I get nothing done?).

I'm sure I won't be gone too long, because who can stay away from this?

We interrupt, um, absolutely nothing, to bring you Rob's eyelashes!

You want bigger? What are waiting for? Click damn it!!!

Robert vs. Robert

It's Robert Pattinson vs. Robert Downey Jr. in E!'s King of Summer contest. It started out with several other rounds of celebrities and now it's down to these two. I do like me some Robert Downey Jr., but he's never inspired me enough to blog about him.

Voting ends soon, so let's get Rob another meaningless victory to annoy others. (Hey, at least I didn't bother you with this one until the Final 2.)

From the E! site:

Wow, this is just shocking. Shocking!

Some actor by the name of Robert Pattinson has made it all the way to the finals of our King of Summer Tournament. Really, we're just beside ourselves. This "underdog" managed to take down...

Leonardo DiCaprio, star of the summer's biggest movie, Inception, with 58 percent of the vote. But will he be able to repeat that performance against Robert Downey Jr.? RDJ's charms have proven themselves to be very powerful over the years, and he used them to easily move past Eminem in the previous round, 55 percent to 45 percent.

So who had the best summer?

Here it is, the final matchup.

Vote Here!

Things I've discovered because of Robert Pattinson - Part 1

So.... Rob lost Entertainment Weekly's Sexiest Beast contest to Ian Somerhalderorrowor. You all failed him, but I'm moving on....I'm sure he is clueless and couldn't give a shit devastated.

NO ONE is a sexier beast than me!!!! Just not in this particular photo.

I have to admit, my world has expanded greatly since my obsession interest in Rob began. In some ways it has also withered - you don't see much of the world if you are glued to your computer watching Rob movies and videos or reading blogs and drooling over photos. Though it's kind of a sweet trade off...


Me, responding to my husband

I've come to discover many things I probably would never have known if not for Rob. Much of which I probably would have survived without. But there they now are, for better or worse, stored in my brain's hard drive, in need of a good purging.

Such as:

There are such things as "Fandoms"

I had no idea there were alternative universes that existed; people online that come together in their craziness to unite over their obsession. They create communities, gather together, develop new languages.

I'm not much of a joiner in real life, so I tend to take more of an observational position in this particular "fandom". I feel like Jane Goodall observing wildlife in their natural habitat. It's very fascinating!

Kinda' like this, but with personal computers ( I wonder if this is where the idea for Jersey Shore originated)

There is Fan Fiction

I barely acknowledge that fiction exists (I tend to read only non-fiction. I think Twilight was the first fiction I read in 10 years) so what a shocker to discover that fans actually write their own fiction based on other works of fiction. And lo and behold, the ones I've skimmed are pretty damn good!

I discovered this phenomenon while in search of an alternative to the infamous "fade to black" cockblock scene in Breaking Dawn. I think it was called Blood and Lust, and it certainly managed to satisfy. I read some of The Office, and then I went back to not reading fiction again.

But if I ever decide to, there's like 10 bazillion recommendation lists and 10 million sites devoted entirely to Twilight Fan Fiction. They have different categories with names like canons, with and without lemons, and I can't remember what else - that depict variations of characters and actors.

Who knew?

Fan Fiction is Porn for Women

Men have Internet Porn, women have Fan Fiction. Fact.

There are a lot of horny women out there. And they get hot and bothered from reading. Did Kinsey ever report on this? Did Masters and Johnson consider this when they did their studies? I don't think so.

Everyone assumes only men are perverts. But they have NOTHING on Fan Fiction readers. I guess Harlequin Novels might have been a giveaway, but this is on a whole other level.

The perfect marriage

Speaking of marriage...


A Single Actor can save THOUSANDS of marriages

I can't tell you how many women have proclaimed that Twilight, and Rob in particular, have reinvigorated their sex lives. Dorky, unassuming, self-deprecating Rob has turned into the world's greatest aphrodisiac.

That fact is the only reason husbands are putting up with this crap.


This is a man who is getting some. Or is trying to. Or is gay.

Oh, there's more...stay tuned.

Rob is losing!

To Ian Sommendalaeraler, or whatever the fuck his name is, from Vampire Diaries, in this Entertainment Weekly poll, Ultimate Sexy Beast, that's been narrowed down from like 3,000 nominees, or however many originally of which I have no clue.

We cannot let this happen!

"Um, hello? I am the fuckhottest, sexiest beast ever. So go vote for me, bitches!"

If you vote, I promise to post something other than Rob polls in the near future - I swear, I'm working on something. But when Andy Roddick is playing in a tournament that is actually being broadcast on TV, all bets are off.

But in the meantime, GO VOTE!!!!

Whew! Glad all my hard work paid off...

As I'm sure you've all heard, Rob won Best Male Actor for Remember Me at last night's Teen Choice Awards.

Because of me.

Yes. It's true.

Don't believe me? You'll see tonight when they broadcast his acceptance speech.

"Thanks especially to my Bitch for your efforts. I will repay you with my tongue."


My secret weapon? I've been traveling the country giving out free Silly Bandz to every tween with computer access, bribing them to vote for Rob in that category.




No, not really. I don't have that kind of money, or that kind of time. But I bet I could get a whole lot of free dishwashing in exchange for this latest tween crack if I did. The coolest ones that just came out are solar powered - they go from white to purple as soon as you hit the sun. I could probably get my house cleaned in exchange for those.

Anyhoo... I'm gratified to know that I'm not the only one who is obsessively in love with Remember Me. I spent much of my weekend at the beach last week trying to get the house to watch it with me - to no avail. Bastards. I bet THEY didn't vote for Rob. But I'm sure glad a lot of other people did.

Congratulations Rob!

Glad I could win this one for you.

Pimping for Pattinson - my work is never done

Vote for Rob in Glamour's 50 Sexiest Men poll. He won this poll last year, so let's get him that title again.

I know, I know, I ask you to vote for Rob alot. But it's really not for Rob - it's more for the following selfish reasons:

1) To irritate people who bash him

2) To get to see him in print and online when he wins these things

3) To keep him in demand in Hollywood, so we get to see him in more films

Come on, you know it's true, he IS the sexiest man, so just do it!

Here's some proof in black and white, if you need any convincing. And to drool over:

Seriously? Teen Choice Awards - you can STILL vote

Jeez. This is like the longest voting period ever. So head on over to Teen Choice Awards and help Rob and Remember Me WIN an award!

I've been over there voting at this site so many times I feel like I'm married to it. Which makes me feel old and tired, like my real marriage. They have more categories for this thing than the Academy Awards, Grammy's and Emmy's combined. Well maybe not. But they keep adding more all the time, so as soon as they create a category for "Best Zit Cream" (teen awards, get it??) I think it will.

At this point I just skim through and look for categories that have Rob, and if I'm feeling generous, some of the Twilight cast. And anything with Modern Family (best show ever!) and anything I can vote against Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.

Put aside at least 3 hours to wade through this thing, but if Remember Me WINS, it will all be worth it, right?

**Note to Summit: I'm still waiting for my paycheck for promoting this film in an effort to make up for your shiteous attempt. **

I love hammocks

I've always had a thing for hammocks. Probably because they represent the ultimate in recreational laziness. And sleeping. I am a sleeper.

My ex-bf and I took a trip to the Outer Banks, N.C. and fell in love with the hand-woven hammocks they manufacture down there.

Ahhhh, that's what I'm talking about.

Unfortunately we lived in a condo at the time, so we could only dream of having our own someday.

Eventually we moved into a house with a huge yard, with huge black walnut trees - 2 of them perfectly situated to hang a hammock. So when his birthday came around that first June, it was hammock time! (Not to be confused with Hammer Time, which popularized pants with a crotch that coincidently kind of look like a hammock.)

I swear I could swing in that crotch. Pillow included.

I can't tell you how many wonderful, lazy hours I spent in our hammock. When I wasn't dodging black walnuts falling around me like hand grenades.

In a setting kind of like this.

Which probably contributed to our eventual breakup. He was a do-do-do kind of guy, and I am someone who functions best directing my servants at the castle. After 7 years together and no marriage proposal I moved out - thinking THAT would produce a proposal. Um, nope.

What it did do was lead him to another woman. And after berating him about her at some point, he mentioned all the places they had sex in MY house. Including....the hammock.

And then, OMG, something horrible happened to them both! This bear killed and ate them and took over the hammock!



Just kidding, just kidding. It was a mountain lion.

Needless to say, that was a crushing blow - to my love of hammocks. Happily, though, he quickly got engaged to her and then broke it off just as quickly. Let's just say time has proven this guy is marriage phobic. It wasn't about me, or the hammock.

Eventually I climbed back into the hammock again, this time at this incredible lakeside resort outside of Asheville, N.C. called Highland Lake Inn (Hey, what is it with hammocks and North Carolina??) If you like a casual, lake and mountain setting, this is the place.

Highland Lake Inn. They give good hammock.

But clearly I need to get off the East Coast and place my ass in THIS hammock. Man, this looks nice!




After this Asheville trip, I was longing once again for my own hammock. But I was in yet another condo. Boo freakin' hoo. (At this point I wasn't missing the boyfriend as much as the hammock, and my huge freezer. Damn, I still miss that freezer...)

Time went on, and someone else really, really wanted to marry me. So I said yes to Mr. Bitch and found this at Crate and Barrel when I went to register for our wedding - thinking we could put it in our townhouse yard:



Yeah, um, nope. This fucker was huge! I swear it took up the entire yard and looked ridiculous. And.had.to.be.returned. I was crushed.

Sooo.... I've been hammock free for a while. And haven't really given it much thought until





AND





Holy Hammock Hotness!!!!

Now I want a hammock again. This hammock specifically. The one that comes with Rob in it already. GAH!!!! The ultimate hammock fantasy.

I'll even buy a house with a yard to make this dream come true...