Five time's a charm, er .....hot mess

First we had


London Wax Rob

Followed closely by


New York City Wax Rob


Then, unbelievable]y, they got even worse with


Berlin Wax Rob


and the mother of all that is bad

Rico Suave Washington, DC Wax Rob

And now the latest


Shanghai Wax Rob

Who are these people making these things? The wig crew from the Twilight movies? They are like weather forecasters - they keep getting it wrong, yet somehow remain employed.

I hope to fuck I haven't missed any of these masterpieces. #Shudders....

LQ and I go to the movies - Breaking Down Breaking Dawn

RB: So have you been having dreams of blood and placentas?
LQ: OMG! LOL! No, I am having nightmares of the drunk guy who was sitting next to me because the wife must have dragged him there.
RB: hahahaha
LQ: He yelled out "Whore" at one point, but I don't know why
RB: did he know you?
the guy next to me was picking something on the roof of his mouth the whole time and his gf was telling him to stop it and someone reeked of alcohol so I was covering my face with my scarf
LQ: Okay, my guy wasn't that bad
RB: I just can't believe these girls bring their bf's to these movies
LQ: Right. What are they thinking?
RB: I think that's why the audience kind of sucked
not enough fan girls
I think the only sound anyone made was "Oh, Jacob" at the beginning when Taylor took his shirt off
and then when I yelled "ROB"
LQ: lol, there was a little bit of "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" chanting. That was fun.
RB: what theater were you in? I heard nothin!

RB: did you notice the Stephanie Meyer cameo at the wedding? you have no idea what she looks like, do you?
LQ: I missed her, but I know that you said something when you saw her.
NO! I know what she looks like. I just was distracted!
RB: I loved Bella's dress - but man, that was some low-cut back
LQ: Yes, she was so BEAUTFUL!
RB: no wonder Edward couldn't stop tounging her after the "I Do's"
LQ: yeah, that was the best wedding kiss ever!
But I feel totally ripped off for not getting the good honeymoon scenes
this series sure causes a lot of frustration!
RB: well, you got more in the movie than in the book
can you imagine if they faded to black?
LQ: Yeah, but I keep thinking of the great scenes in that fan fic.
What was it called?
RB: Blood and Lust. That is pretty much the only fan fic I’ve read
I was searching for something better than the book
LQ: if they had faded to black there would be rampaging women everywhere
RB: it was nice though how they had Bella reliving the night before, so we got a little extra something
at first I was like "WHAT? Is that it???"
LQ: That chick can really build a great image
RB: Stephanie or Kristen?
Kristen knows what it's like to fuck Rob, so she's good to go
LQ: I think that it looks like Rob is the one bringing all of the energy to it.
Kristen looks so held back

RB: Speaking of Rob, he keeps claiming that he hasn't taken his shirt off the whole series, which is so not true. He actually had it off a lot in New Moon and his body was rockin
so for this one, he claims that he worked out a lot, but, his front looked like shit
very disappointing
his back is hella hot, but they should have CGI'd the crap out of his chest
LQ: LOL!
RB: I mean really, what kind of marble is flabby?
LQ: Would you like to help him workout?
RB: I'd like to GIVE him a workout
LQ: Taylor obviously took his workouts more seriously.

RB: Ok, can we talk about how the wolves can't act?
The critics gave Taylor shit for this one, but next to Seth and Leah he's like fucking Laurence Olivier
LQ: I thought they were not bad. I guess I am easy to please
RB: Yes, you have very low standands
LQ: But yeah, the scene where we heard their thoughts was just not right.
RB: I can't decide if the thought talking scene was more like Ninja Turtles or Transformers
LQ: What? Ninja Turtles or Transformers? What?
RB: The sounds of their voices and how you can't see them talking
and the cheese factor
reminds me of one of those action series on Sat morning that have really bad production
LQ: Oh, well when they are in wolf form you are not supposed to see them talking because they communicate mentally
RB: I know! So they shouldn't have tried to convey that in film
have them meet in human form then
jeez
It's bad enough admitting you go to these movies, and then each one has something in it that just makes it all that much worse
LQ: I don't have trouble admitting it. I think the Twilight series is great and I am proud of it.
RB: hahahahaha
You’re the leader of the Twilight Pride Parade
LQ: ha , just kidding
Also, I don't understand why it is so hard to make the wigs and make up look good.
At least they looked better in this movie
RB: um, did you see Carlisle?
Peter Facinnelli must have pissed someone off
Lis: LMAO
RB: or it was just his turn to look like a douche
LQ: It makes no sense. I can't think of any other movie in which the wigs and make up look so bad
RB: No kidding
Like wouldn't they have been fired after the first one?
LQ: Yeah, there should be an investigation.
RB: And why did the wolves look WORSE than the last two movies?
LQ: New CGI crew, huh?
RB: Did they accidentally fire the CGI crew when they meant to fire the wig crew?
LQ: That would explain some things
RB: seriously

LQ: I so want to go to Esme's Island
OH, there was a part that I think was in the book that was not in the movie.
remember in the book when she was pregnant they spent more time there and the lady who cleans knows of someone in the forest who is the child of a vampire and they go to visit them, don't they? And then during the big fight scene they join them.
RB: I don't remember, I was too busy calling you when reading Breaking Dawn saying "WTF is this crap?"
LQ: I think there was a vampire there who intentionally raped humans??
RB: on the Island? I don't want to visit it then!
LQ: LOL. It was so long ago, I can't remember. I don't know if it was on the island or mainland there
RB: I know they did end up finding half human/half vampire examples
LQ: right
RB: and someone did show up at the fight
LQ: yeah.
RB: but I can't recall the details
I considered re-reading the book, but couldn't bring myself to relive that nightmare again
LQ: okay. Well, I wonder how they are going to do the fight when they did not set up the characters
RB: but maybe I should read it again
or not
LQ: I guess they are going to leave those characters out?
RB: they can't do that much character development or backstory
So yeah, they'll leave a lot out

LQ: When is part 2 going to come out?
RB: next November
but I dont' care
Bel Ami is finally going to be released around February
and I'll be too busy masturbating to the DVD by then
LQ: LOL!!!!
RB: seriously
LQ: I will not be coming to visit you at that time
RB: yes, you better call first at the least
I've never wanted to see a movie so much in my life
LQ: Wow.
I will go to it with you.
Wear panty liners
RB: you better not
LQ: Maybe a whole pad
RB: If you wear one of those things they give you for the Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls, you might be good
LQ: lol

RB: so, did you think Breaking Dawn was scary?
or too gory?
LQ: NO!
RB: people are acting like it was hard to watch
I didn't think so at all
LQ: Jeez
Not too scary or gory.
RB: and the critics were just way too hard on the film
LQ: I never listen to critics
RB: there's just a desire to bash Twilight
LQ: Yes. They are prejudiced
RB: someone needs to create a college class on that phenomenon
LQ: It would fit in a Sociology study

RB: So how cool was pregnant Bella? even though the wolf cgi was bad, they really made Kristen look scary
LQ: Yeah! They did a great job on Bella! It was so cool when her back broke. She is standing there looking fine, well, except for her skin tone and skeletal body, and then all of a sudden a snap noise and she went down.
also love the slow mo of Edward catching her head before it hit the floor
RB: I wonder if they had her in a harness for that, so she could bend weird
LQ: Must have
But, I think it had to have been more than that because no one can bend that way, right?
RB: Actually I hear Kristen is very bendy
Rob likes it that way
LQ: LOL!!
RB: actually Rob has strange bendy properties himself
LQ: Bendy
Uh, are you fantasizing about your doll
RB: no, Mini E is NOT bendy
unlike like Real Rob, who has those flexijoints
his fingers can go all weird and he can turn his elbows out and his legs are like a newborn fawn
LQ: Yuck!
RB: Hahaha
I’m sure there are fan fictions written about it

LQ: Oh, I loved the waterfall scenes
RB: yes, it was cute how he was trying to distract her from sex
Rob is used to having to keep fan from throwing him down and screwing him, so he played that realistically
running away from her and stuff
very cute
the one thing I wished he played better was when he heard Renesmehaveatupidname talk
LQ: LMAO!
RB: he should have been a bit more excited over it
but it was sweet after when they were a team again and all lovey dovey
LQ: yeah, it was a little mild when he heard her. He could have played it better
Yes, that was a really nice normal couple moment! So nice for them after all of the drama and distress

RB: my favorite line of the movie, that only I seemed to get in the entire theater and LOL'd at was when Bella was on the phone in the bathroom after she realized she might be pregnant "Carlisle, I'm a little concerned. Can vampires go into shock?"
LQ: LOL! No, I loved that! We thought she was going to talk about herself, but she was worried about Edward, it was so funny!
So unexpected

LQ: one thing weird was they didn’t show how they dressed her and put make up on her. She just mysteriously had make up on and a dress
RB: they did put the dress on her and brushed her hair, but the instant makeover was pretty funny. I guess it’s some kind of Vampire Perma Makeup
RB: All I know is that what I'm most looking forward to after Breaking Dawn, Pt. 2, is we'll get to see The Nightmare After Renesmee - Tim Burton's next flick. Clearly he was the inspiration for Bella's after birth look
LQ: LMAO, yeah, we both thought of that at the same time!
RB: but hopefully this last one will be fun
we must do the midnight show though for that - better chance of a decent audience.
LQ:YES! I can't wait!!!

Rob survives the Black Carpet. I didn't.

Man.

I was sitting on my ass watching the live feeds of the Breaking Dawn premiere from L.A. last night and I am still exhausted from just VIEWING the event. I can't believe what they do to Rob at these things.

Dean, hold me.

From the second he steps out of the car, he is thrown into the undulating, screaming masses, wielding a Sharpie like a sword - slashing his way through all kinds of items to autograph, while commandeering cameras and phones like a techie. (At one point he seemed to stop, take and keep an orange poster from a fan. Anyone know the scoop on that?)

He was asked if he has carpal tunnel from all the signing. He said it's made his hand stronger. Er...

Rob has said that he's had to create an alter ego to deal with the surreal experience of these kinds of events, and it's not a surprise. You can't remain sane and be the object of this insanity. Holy shit. He barely had a moment to nervously run his hand through his hair every so often.

He is constantly surrounded by an entourage who have varying degrees of responsibility to protect him, move him along and attend to his needs. Where Rob went, there were his managers, security and that bitchy Summit lady who cuts off interviews mid-sentence (although she seems to have mellowed a bit).

Who are you and hurry up, I have 3 seconds.

One minute he is with the fans, and then someone grabs him to pose for the paps, and then he's back to the fans, and then doing an interview, then grabbed back and thrown together with Kristen for a photo op, and then he has 12 mics shoved in his face at once while trying to hear and answer inane questions over the noise, and then back to an interview, only to start autographs again. Whew.

What will I miss most about being Edward? Not your assinine questions.

I thought the poor boy was going to lose an arm or two. Do they coordinate with each other on these things? What if, OMG, Nick and Stephanie had bad timing and pulled him in 2 directions at the same time? #shudders.

The rest of this photo is hidden because his arms are hanging out of the sockets.

It's not the fans Dean (the bodyguard) needs to protect Rob from, it's his freaking managers!

Nick is pulling on Rob's leg, out of the shot.

At one point I thought his head was surely spinning around as he was moved so quickly from one direction to another. How about you leave him in one place and let everyone come to HIM?! Jeez...fucking crazy shit. No wonder he looks constantly bewildered. He might as well be in a mosh pit.



But then out of the chaos and insanity, comes shots like this. And it all makes a little more sense.



(Photos pilfered mostly from Robsessed)

Where Rob was on breaks from filming Cosmopolis

On vacation with us!

Rob was in awe at his first glimpse of Niagara Falls!

I had to wait a while to post this, to prevent hoards of fans from finding him during his time with us. And this was hard to do, you know, since I am usually a really timely and prolific blogger, eager to get posts up...#sarcasm.

Now you might say this is Mini Edward, but in our home he is called Rob. As in "Did you remember to bring Rob?" "Oh, crap, Rob is melting on the dashboard." "I took that turn a little sharp. Catch Rob! He's flying your way!". "Don't drop Rob in the Falls!".

Rob's permanent perch...

on the car dashboard. He's a very relaxed passenger.

Mr. Bitch is jealous of Rob, but he was surprisingly accommodating in having Rob tag along for our 10th anniversary trip. I still can't convince him that I had no idea Rob was going to be in Toronto when I planned our trip - I doubt I ever will. ("Oh great. This is supposed to be a romantic, anniversary trip that just so happens to be where Rob is??? And this was just a coincidence???")

Still, he eventually got over it and even carried him around in his back pocket!



It certainly was hard though to keep Rob contained at the Falls. He was all over those things!

He kept diving into the falls - frontwards



and backwards.



Rob had the brilliant idea to steal our thermos and turn it into a barrel.



But he wowed the crowd most when he zipped down the tram line.

Getting this shot right got lot of chuckles from tourists, I must admit

After all this excitement, it was sadly time to take Rob back to Toronto, so he could hang out on his hotel balcony with Bear.



We did visit with Rob one last time. He met us at the Starbucks across from The Hazelton Hotel, where it was rumored he was staying. He didn't confirm if that was his hotel or not, but I guessed it wasn't.



Mr. Bitch though thought he was with the CIA and that we were on a covert mission to spot Rob in Toronto at every turn. Even after I resigned to not running into Rob on set or otherwise, Mr. Bitch kept insisting we stalk, and stalk some more.

Go figure...

And to wrap everything up, a few days after our trip, Mr. Bitch came home with this, 1st Edition gift:



Guess we'll be having a movie date night...

Video of Tai being beaten and shocked by owners

Gary and Kari Johnson, owners of Have Trunk Will Travel, and Tai, have consistently claimed that they don't beat elephants in order to get them to do tricks. They claim they train elephants through positive reinforcement, getting elephants do tricks without fear, pain or intimidation - only using a bullhook as a "guide". They have even made these claims under oath during a recent Ringling Brothers trial, while defending known abusers.

Animal Defenders International (ADI) has released footage showing Tai and other elephants at Have Trunk Will Travel being subjected to electric shocks and beatings with bullhooks as part of their "training".

Rob wondered how they get Tai to do those tricks, and unforunately he now has his answer. They get her to do them the same way they get every other elephant to perform - by beating and abusing her.

Watch here:

Have Trunks Will Travel Elephant "training" video

For the record, animal groups that release footage of animal abuse have never lost a lawsuit by any offender - they wouldn't risk releasing footage they didn't know was legitmate. That said, Have Trunk Will Travel is free to respond to this footage, and prove that they are not the subjects of this video.

It is way past time this cruel, barbaric and archaic use of wild animals for entertainment is made illegal. There is no humane way to deny wild animals a natural environment or "train" them to do tricks.

Other news sources covering this story (I'll keep this updated):

TMZ

Mirror

The Sydney Morning Herald

Toronto Sun

Huffington Post

Rob, I need to talk to you about Tai, the elephant

Hey Rob-

I know it's an exciting week for you, and I'm sorry to bring some seriousness to the party, but I've been putting off writing this - since I am really conflicted about your participation in the film Water for Elephants.

I want to support and enjoy everything you do, but I am adamantly against the use of wild animals in entertainment (I'm actually against all animal exploitation, but we'll save that for another day...).

Since I'm delusional enough to believe you'll actually read this, and am hopeful enough to believe you have animals' true interests at heart, I'm writing to you - for Tai.

Tai being forced to perform an unnatural and dangerous "trick" on a TV show set

I don't know Tai's specific history before she ended up at Have Trunks Will Travel, the business that owns and uses her for their for-profit elephant "rental" operation, but I do know that she was born in the wild, somewhere in Asia. Either she was stolen from her mother and family (maybe her family was killed in order to steal and sell her) or she was left an orphan due to the poaching of her family and then sold. It's possible she was orphaned in some less nefarious way, though unlikely. Her records show she was at Lion Country Safari in Florida for many years, although I'm not sure what her circumstances were there or why she was sold.

Asian elephant mother and calf in the wild

I am sure though that Tai has been forced to exist without the one thing elephants desire more than anything else - their families. They live in large matriarchal groups with sisters, aunts, cousins and juvenile males. The females all share in the rearing and care of the family's offspring. The families live in specific home ranges, have sophisticated communication systems and are incredibly social. The females stay with their female family their entire lives.



We can only imagine the kind of fear and trauma Tai experienced - did she witness the violent murder of her mother, her family? What was it like to be shipped overseas to live in a foreign environment? She must have spent much of her time chained up, since that is standard practice. She was probably forced to learn "tricks" by being pulled and tugged by ropes as a young calf. We can hope she wasn't hit with the bullhook that has been used to control her every action and reaction, or that she has never been shocked with an electic prod - and that she has been among other elephants for much of her life. But who knows? Tai can't tell us, which proves convenient for those who exploit her.

The following are recent undercover photos/stills taken of Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Bailey Circus staff "training" elephant babies to perform; babies that were weaned too early and removed from their mothers. Many calves in Ringling's "care" have died horrible deaths. This is standard in the "elephant entertainment industry" and the people that work at Ringling are many of the same people that have, or will, work with Tai.



Tai seems to have escaped an even worse life of zoo imprisonment (much of which ends up being solitary and grossly inadequate) or the torment of a circus (chained on trains and trucks, chained at venues, forced to perform in loud arenas, beatings from abusive staff, physical ailments from concrete floors, mental stress). But she is still forced to travel, obey commands, perform unnatural "tricks" and endure what must be abject boredom and loneliness as she is shuttled around, without her family, or whatever family she's been forced to adopt among other enslaved elephants. You said yourself, Rob, that the animals on set seemed utterly bored and did little but sleep. It's not surprising when you take wild animals and imprison them - removed from any natural instincts, their family or environment.

Tai painted and used in an art exhibit. People who "own" and claim to love her make money off of doing this to Tai.

I know how much you loved being with Tai, Rob, but you never should have been. Wild animals should never be captured or bred and used for profit - they don't exist to entertain us. They are not domesticated - like dogs and cats - and must be broken and forced to obey their capturers. And elephants, just due to their sheer size, weight, and social needs - suffer incredibly in captivity - both physically and mentally.

Captivity

Wild

Captivity

Wild


Captivity

Wild

Captivity

For-profit organizations will claim that breeding programs are some kind of conservation effort - but they are lying. There is no intention or means to repopulate wild herds in Asia or Africa. Elephants are bred only to keep exploiting them for money - to keep a captive herd available. The only way to assist wild elephant populations is to address the issues facing elephants in their natural habitats, not by forcibly impregnating females in a Ringling barn, or at the local zoo, or at an elephant-for-hire entertainment business in the United States.

There will obviously always be exceptions - where elephants will be forced into the care of humans and interactions will occur. But these interactions should only be taking place in sanctuaries or rehab centers - where the primary goals are either to allow elephants to live out life in as natural an environment as possible, or receive rehabiliation in order to be released back to their homes and families.

Here is the most beautiful story of an elephant reunion at The Elephant Sanctuary in Tennessee. I highly recommend taking the time to watch this:



You recently mentioned in an interview the beating of Anne, the elephant in the Bobby Roberts Super Circus, and how upsetting this incident was to you.



Thankfully Anne was finally sent to a sanctuary after the undercover footage was revealed - putting an end to circus elephants in the UK. She unfortunately will not be with an elephant herd and suffers from captive-inducted arthritis - but at least she will live in peace for the rest of her life.

I wish I could tell you that the beating of circus elephants was a rare occurence or a practice left behind in the 30's with elephants like Rosie, but that's not the case. Ringling and other animal circuses have been caught time and time again abusing elephants. The people who "own" Tai are part of a large network in the elephant-profit business all related by marriage, family and work histories. You wondered out loud how they get Tai to do her "tricks". It's pretty standard that they get elephants to do those things through fear, pain and intimidation - starting so young that they know nothing else. Even China has banned animal circuses, because of their inherent abuse. Animal circuses are a "tradition" that need to end.

2009 undercover video of Ringling staff hitting elephants:



Undercover circus-elephant "training" video - one trainer showing a potential trainer how to "train" the elephants:


Watch Elephants in Circuses: Training & Tragedy in Entertainment  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com


You are in a unique position to help elephants, Rob. You've had a relationship with one. You have a national stage and a proclaimed love for animals. You've mentioned World Wildlife Fund (WWF) as your favorite charity and that you just rescued your dog Bear from execution at an animal shelter. And as an increasing force in Hollywood, you can work to convince film makers that if they can't find a way to include wild animals through animation or CGI in a film, then they don't need to make it.

Here's an organization - Elephant Nature Park - that is rescuing abused animals in Thailand and working there to ensure things change in their homeland. They are real conservationists who don't force elephants to perform.

If the elephants could thank you, Rob, they would.

And the winner is....

certainly not this contest.

Sheesh.

The lack of interest is bringing back my recent yard sale memories. You can't even give nice shit away for nothing.

Anywho..

I wish I had 3 calendars, since I really appreciate you ladies for entering your comments, but the calendar goes to...

SMITTEN!!

Your relaying of your husband's comment (although it pisses me off when people call Rob gay!) and your son's aversion to breasts certainly did make me laugh!

Email your mailing address to me at rpatzb@gmail.com and I'll send this baby on out to you.

I am so enjoying gazing at my calendar right now, as I type. Let me know what you think when you get it.

Thanks again ladies! Here's a little something to show my appreciation:

Robert Pattinson 2011 Calendar Giveaway!

Damn you, Groupon.

Here I am, now in POST-moving hell. (How the fuck do people work and move and set up a house and have time to take a shower?) But Groupon just had to offer a Shutterfly deal of two calendars for the price of one last week. Except I thought I could make 2 DIFFERENT calendars. Um, no.

So I used half of my precious Sunday last weekend to put together a Rob calendar - before freakin January is over. What a pain in the ass. For some reason my laptop - clueless as I am - has been saving my Rob photos in recent times as bitmaps instead of jpegs. And since Shutterfly only takes jpegs - and I didn't have time to rectify the problem - I wasn't able to use some photos I was planning on putting in the calendar.

But...I just got it in the mail and this thing came out FUCKING GORGEOUS! And I have an extra...



Screw those "professional" Rob calendars that have only ONE giant photo of Rob per month. MY calendar has many Robs per month. Let's just say this works out much, much better.

Trust me. If you are reading this blog, you want this one two of a kind calendar.

Although it's hard to make Rob G-Rated, since he's just naturally XXX, I kept the calendar work and kid safe. This would have been a WHOLE different piece if I was hanging it at home.

So how can you get it?

First, if you're not already, become a follower of this blog. Then, in the comments, tell me why you MUST have the calendar. Whoever makes me laugh the hardest, wins!

Deadline to enter is midnight Tuesday, January 11. (1/11/11 - cool!). I'll post the winner on Wednesday.

Here's a looky-loo (click on photos to enlarge):

The antidote...to January

Rob+Oscars=Love

Lucky Charm



Remember Me

Bel Ami

Now this is FIREWORKS!

Montauk, L.I.





Thankful for you



Now go forth and make me laugh. Please. I need a few laughs. And you need this calendar.

xoxxoxoxoxoxoxo